The She-Wolf’s Mate (Book 2 She-Wolf Series)
Chapter 20

Samantha

“Ivar,” I started, “The second they handed me my baby in the hospital, my entire world changed. In that moment I went from living for myself, to living for him. I would lay down my life for his in an instant, without regret.”

He looked down, shoulders slumping at my words.

“I just need to give him more time.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, barely more than a whisper. “Time isn’t something we have to spare, Sam.”

His eyes met mine then. Rankor showed through, as evidence of the strong emotions brewing beneath the surface.

“You don’t know that,” I argued, shaking my head. “In another year or two -“

“Sam,” he said, firmly. “We don’t have another year to see how things play out. You’re deteriorating. You almost fucking died. You’re an immortal werewolf. That should be damn near impossible.”

His jaw tensed as he spoke. I could tell he was resolved in his decision.

“I can’t do it,” I whispered, my voice shaking. “I can’t reject you.”

I sank to my knees in front of the warrior king. He knelt down, reached between us and cupped my cheek, staring into my eyes as emotion swirled through his own.

“You’re going to have to try, little wolf,” he said, sadness evident in his words. “I can’t stay here, and I won’t leave you this vulnerable.”

I flashed back to him walking out of the pack house library door and slamming it shut. I pinched my eyes closed at the memory, but I could feel anxiety already coursing through me. My heart started beating out of my chest and I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs. White spots shone behind my eyelids.

“I - I can’t, Ivar,” I heaved, still trying to catch my breath.

“What’s going on?” Ivar asked, moving to support me as I slumped, gripping my chest.

“I’m… having… a… panic attack,” I managed between gasps.

“What can I do?” he asked.

I shook my head, trying to steady my breathing. He picked me up and held me tightly. I thought he would walk home since we weren’t very far. Instead, he found a tree and sat down against it, still cradling me.

“I’m here, little wolf,” he said, quietly.

He rubbed my back as I continued the breathing techniques I learned in therapy years before. I wasn’t sure how much time passed before I was finally back in control of myself.

One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. I counted slowly in my mind.

“I’m sorry,” I told him as my heart rate finally slowed. I was slumped against his chest.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he said, without hesitation. “How long have you been having them?”

I shook my head. “I haven’t in a long time. I started getting them after Travis passed.”

He nodded against the top of my head. I sat up to look at his face and found him gazing intently into space.

“Can we just not do this tonight?” I whispered.

He sighed and closed his eyes, the muscle in his jaw tightening again.

“I can’t keep being the reason you’re in danger or hurt, Sam,” he said, his voice low.

I felt a tear slide down my cheek.

“I understand.” I kept my voice even. “Please just give me one night.”

He leaned his head back against the tree, gazing up at the stars.

“One night.”

We stayed there, taking in the sounds and smells surrounding us. I felt my familiar forest wrapped around me like a protective blanket. Tomorrow I would have to face the inevitable, but tonight I could listen to my mate’s steady breathing and pretend things were different.

“Thank you for taking so calm during my… episode,” I said, still embarrassed. “Some people don’t know what to do and freak out.”

He nodded.

“Trinity gets panic attacks,” he explained, matter-of-factly.

I looked up into his icy cold stare.

“Really?”

He gave me a look that said it should have been obvious.

“Before she even turned sixteen, I made her hunt down and destroy her entire species. Then she watched as I killed her mother. After everything, the light witches - the only people somewhat like her - still didn’t trust her. So much so that they called for her head,” he said, coldly. “So yeah. She gets panic attacks.”

His voice softened slightly before he continued, “Less so since Aidan, though.”

“They seem good together,” I told him.

“They are,” he agreed. “It’s hard to let others in when you know your time with them could be short. Having him has brought her comfort that I couldn’t offer.”

“I wouldn’t have pictured Trinity as getting episodes like that,” I mused. “She’s such a strong person.”

“Being traumatized doesn’t make you weak,” he retorted. “Going through something terrible and coming out the other side a kind and caring person takes more strength than shutting down and not being affected.” He looked at me earnestly. “Do you not realize how strong you are?”

“You don’t get them,” I reasoned instead of answering.

“I cope in other ways,” he said simply. “Do you think I’m the poster child for being well-adjusted?”

When I didn’t answer, he titled my chin up to look into my eyes.

“You and Trinity are both fierce and loving people,” he said. “No one would mistake you for being delicate.”

“You’re a good brother,” I said after a moment. “And a good man.”

“Hmm,” he murmured and his gaze once again seemed far away.

“We should probably head back,” I told him.

He nodded and we stood. As we made our way down the trail, he took my hand in his. Despite the comfort it brought me, the contact brought tears to my eyes once again. Sadness and regret consumed me. Neither one of us spoke as we approached the house. I wasn’t sure if he would stay once we arrived, and I questioned my decision to leave our cozy spot in the woods.

I was about to ask him while we climbed the stairs to the front porch when a voice broke through the quiet of the night.

“Have a nice walk?”

Both Ivar and I jumped. The king threw me behind him, taking a defensive stance, claws elongating from his hands.

“Easy! It’s just me!”

“Luke! What the fuck?” I shouted as he stepped from the shadows.

“Whoa Mom. Language,” he chastised and I pushed Ivar to the side to glare at him.

Luke held his hands up defensively and took a small, retreating step.

“How did you do that?” Ivar asked, incredulous.

“I’ve been working on masking my scent,” Luke answered, wagging his eyebrows. “I’m getting pretty good if I fooled you two.”

“Yeah, really good,” Ivar said, his voice laced with awe. “Who taught you?”

“I found a book on it in the pack house library,” Luke shrugged.

“Self-taught?” Ivar asked. “Nice job.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Lucas Ryan, not okay,” I told him.

“Alright, I’m sorry,” my son said, not sounding apologetic in the slightest. He turned to Ivar, “Hey, King? Do you mind giving me a minute with my mom?”

Ivar hesitated and looked at me before turning back.

“Yeah, man. No problem.”

He met my eyes as he passed and I gave him a tight smile. He squeezed my hand before trotting down the stairs back towards the tree line.

I turned to my son who had his usual easy smile and relaxed posture.

“Come on,” he said. “I’ll grab the goods.”

He strode through the door and made his way to the kitchen.

“Pick a seat,” he gestured towards the stools around the island.

I sat down and he joined me carrying a carton of ice cream and two spoons. “The goods” as he called it was sort of a morbid tradition I started when his goldfish died in the third grade. Travis had teased that Rocky Road couldn’t replace his beloved pet, but I always thought a little bit of sugar could take the edge off of a difficult conversation. From then, any serious talk Luke and I had usually involved some frozen dessert.

“Alright, kid,” I said, stabbing my spoon in. “Lay it on me.”

He gave me a thoughtful look.

“Do you remember our conversation when I met Emerick?” he asked.

“You mean when you thought he was holding me hostage?”

He laughed.

“Yeah but do you remember what I said?” he asked.

I thought back. It felt like a completely different lifetime. I was definitely a much different person.

“You told me your dad would want me to be happy,” I said, slowly.

He nodded.

“I did,” he agreed. “I also told you that you were 33 years old and you have your entire life ahead of you.”

He paused and gave me a pointed look. I looked down, not sure how to respond.

“Mom, that was when I thought we were human,” he continued. “Now, as werewolves - longer. Are you ready to spend that time on your own?”

I couldn’t meet his eyes. There was a distinct truth in his words, and I hadn’t even told him that it was worse than he grasped. I wouldn’t age. I would spend the rest of my life alone and there wasn’t even an ending in sight.

“I can find someone else,” I said, weakly. “Choosing to let Ivar go doesn’t mean I’ll never find anyone.”

“Do you really believe that? Because, from what I understand, he was hand-selected for you by fate. If you let him go, will anyone else ever be enough? Who could possibly measure up?”

I stared at my boy, truly seeing the man he was becoming. Not for the first time, I was struck by just how much he looked like his father.

“Lukey, it doesn’t matter,” I shook my head. “I can’t be the queen. You’re not ready to be Alpha.”

He gave me a strange look.

“Were you ready to be Alpha?” he questioned. When I looked at my hands without answering he continued, “It’s kind of hard to explain, but I know I was born for this, Mom. I have a lot to learn. That doesn’t mean this isn’t what was meant to happen.”

“I just want to give you more time -”

“For what?” He cut me off. “Will a year make a difference? Three? Seven? Is there a magic number when you think I’ll be ready?”

“You deserve the opportunity to be a young, dumb kid,” I argued. “To live your life.”

“I don’t need to make dumb mistakes to know this is what I want,” He lifted his arms and gestured around the room. “There is nothing in this world that could entice me more than being a werewolf. Maybe it’s because I’ve lived a human life that I appreciate it so much. The moment I got here I felt immediately at home. I know without a doubt this is where I’m meant to be. And you’re meant to be with Ivar.”

Tears welled in my eyes at his words.

“I can’t leave you, Luke.”

“You’re hardly leaving,” he said, rolling his eyes. “I already talked to Trinity and she said she can literally buzz you in and out every single day if you want. You could be here in the actual blink of an eye. Plus, Gran and Pops will be here. Emerick’s down the road. The Reddings were alphas for, like, way longer than you. Plus -”

“I get the picture,” I told him. “It’s not the same, though. It’s so much to put on you at 16.”

“Whether I’m 16 or 36, it’s going to be a lot,” he pointed out. “Those years aren’t going to make a difference in the amount of responsibility. They are going to be the difference in whether you get to be with your actual soulmate.”

I sighed and looked at the young man before me.

“You’re becoming quite insightful,” I told him.

“Eh, I have a knack for it,” he said, casually scratching his chin.

I smiled and shook my head.

“I don’t know, Lukey,” I said, honestly.

He shrugged and stood up. “Well, I’ve said my piece.”

He grabbed the spoons and ice cream, moving towards the freezer.

“Whatever you do, I will support you,” he said as he rinsed the silverware. “I just wanted you to know you have my blessing.” He winked at me. “Not that you need it.”

“Thank you, kid.” I stood and hugged him.

I didn’t even reach his shoulder anymore. Even through his hoodie, I could feel the muscled body of the warrior he was becoming.

“We should probably let the king know he can come back,” he said, pulling away and heading out the door.

I followed him as he stepped onto the porch.

“Owww! Owwwww!” he let out a human howl.

I covered my ears next to him.

“What the heck was that?”

“How else do you call a werewolf?” he shrugged.

In the distance, we heard the long answering howl of a wolf.

“See?” Luke gestured towards the sound.

He jumped off the porch and started to walk away.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“I’m gonna stay at the old-folk's home,” he said, pointing to the guest house. “I think you guys need your ‘one more night’ together.”

“How did you-”

“Please. It’s your M.O.” He waved over his shoulder. “’Night mom!”

I wasn’t sure if he really guessed correctly or if he had been eavesdropping, but I supposed it didn’t matter.

Just as he reached my parents front door, I saw Rankor trotting through the field to the east. I climbed down the steps and walked to meet him.

I stood before the massive wolf and ran my hands through the thick coat at his neck. He pulled me towards him with his snout over my shoulder and I sank into his soft, cream-colored fur. I wrapped my arms around his neck, breathing in his woodsy scent.

He let out a soft whine.

“I know, buddy,” I whispered.

He stepped away and I sighed at the cold that pricked my skin in his absence. We turned to walk back to the house, and I kept a hand on his shoulder. After a few steps, Ivar shifted where the wolf had walked.

I pulled my hand away, and in turn he took me under his arm. I wrapped my own around his back, resting my hand on his bare hip. The tangible warmth of his skin was a comfort.

“How was your talk?” he asked.

“He gave me a lot to think about,” I answered, honestly.

“Mhmm,” the king hummed.

I could tell he wanted to ask more, but was probably somewhat afraid of the answers.

When we walked through the door, I felt him start to pull away towards the stairs. I assumed he was going to grab a change of clothes, but I realized there was one experience I still hadn’t had with him. At that point, it felt like I was running out of time.

“Can we run?” I asked.

Rankor flashed in his eyes before he wordlessly turned back through the door and landed on the porch with four paws. I smiled before quickly stripping and following suit.

The moment Ayisha’s paws hit the ground, she leapt to the gravel below and bounded full speed for the woods.

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