The Many Faces of Tully
Impossible Feelings

Jace opens the door and I immediately feel horrible about what I did. His eyes are red and his hair is disheveled. I’m glad to see that he changed clothes though. But I hate the way he’s looking at me.

I take in every emotion that plays across his face as he looks at me, and each one makes me feel even lower. At first he looks sad, and then angry. Then hurt, confused, hopeful, cautious, and then sad again. It’s heartbreaking. How could I ever cause him pain?

“Can I come in?” I ask him after a moment. He purses his lips but answers me by stepping back and opening the door a little bit wider. I squeeze past him and he closes the door behind me. I walk to the middle of his room and then turn and face him.

He’s leaning his back against the door with his arms crossed over his chest. He’s frowning at the floor, and I don’t know if I preferred him frowning at the floor or frowning at me. Both hurt, but I think I’d rather him frowning at me. Him frowning at the floor means that it’s too painful for him to look at me.

“Jace…” I start, but I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I don’t know what to say. I’ve never really had to make up with anyone, because they were dead. Sure, I’ve thought about what I would say to them if I ever had the chance to talk to them again. I really never got past sorry though.

Jace is looking at me expectantly. I’m glad he’s looking at me now, but I really hate the hurt in his eyes. I need to make it better. I need to make the hurt go away. I’m such a horrible person for making him feel bad.

“I’m not exactly sure what to say because sorry is not good enough,” I start off awkwardly. His face hardens but his eyes are still sad. “I’m used to having to do things alone because I make it that way. I have to because every time I get close to someone, I kill them. I haven’t been close to anyone since Peter because I told myself I couldn’t be. It’s been almost five years since I’ve been emotionally close to someone.”

I’m rambling. I know I am, but I don’t know what to say, so I’m letting it all out. “Ever since I’ve known about my powers, I’m constantly terrified of hurting people and I always want to be careful around them. I can never really be myself around people, but I can be myself around you and that terrifies me even more.

“I know you can heal, but I’m always afraid that you can’t. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t know how to not do that. I can’t control myself. I can’t control my powers. Tonight was horrible because I wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t recognize you. What if that happens again? I can’t use my powers against you, but what if I didn’t recognize you? I don’t know what will happen and I’m afraid that the closer we get to each other, the more you’ll be in danger.”

My voice is shaking with emotion. The thoughts hardly even register before I speak them. Everything I’m saying is unfiltered. It’s not premeditated like it should be. My words are unpredictable, just like my powers.

“It would have been so much easier if we hadn’t gotten close, because that way you wouldn’t be hurt about me trying to keep my distance. But honestly, I don’t think I could have stayed away from you. You are everything I want to be. You don’t even know how much you have healed me in the past few months. Being with you has made me a better person. But what happens when I kill you?

“It would be worse than killing Peter. He made me feel like I could be good but you make me good. You have helped me beyond measure and I feel like the only way I can repay you is by leaving you be, because I might end up killing you if I don’t.” I take a deep breath to continue but Jace finally speaks.

“What if I told you it would be worth it?” His face is completely straight and his eyes burn into mine.

“Would it be though?” I ask him sadly. I really hurt him.

“I don’t think you completely understand how I feel about you and what you mean to me. You are my escape. You are the light at the end of the dark tunnel. You are my get out of jail free card. You are my hope. I’m trapped here and without you I can never leave. You can set me free, but I don’t want to be free without you. I’d rather stay here with you than be free without you.” He walks over to me and sits me on his bed, next to him.

“I know you. I know how hard it is for you to be close to people, but I can’t help myself. I don’t only want to be near you, but I need to be. You keep me sane. You keep me strong. You keep me whole. You keep me myself. You want to repay me for helping you but you don’t understand that you already have, by helping me.” I feel my mouth pop open in shock.

“I was going crazy being here.” He grabs my hands and looks at me earnestly. “Every once in a while, when someone new came, I would be sane for a while. They kept me occupied and interested. I would learn all about them and their powers and then I would be bored again. Like I said before, meeting Veronica was a real piece of luck, but even near the end I was starting to feel crazy again. I knew her too, and not that I didn’t like her but I could feel my interest slipping. Nothing could hold my attention so I focused on making everyone the best they could. So when the time came, I could finally be free. I wouldn’t let us fail.” His hands move a lot, but he keeps a tight grip on mine. I finally find the muscles to close my mouth.

“I was already overly excited about you. You were my next interest piece and you were the key to my freedom. You could say that I was already infatuated with you, even though I didn’t know you were a girl.” He smiles wryly. “But I expected to lose interest in you like I did with everyone else. I’d learn all about you and your powers and then I would have to sit around for forever how long it was until the battle.

“I couldn’t have been more wrong. You interest me. You confuse me. You entertain me. You are never what I expect.” I start to blush at his words. “At first I was expecting you to be this tough guy with like cloning powers or something but you ended up being a small woman that didn’t look capable of anything. Then you proved me wrong again and showed me that you have this weird but amazing power with pure energy. Then all of a sudden you can morph too. Then you can move stuff with your mind and then manipulate people’s memories.”

I make a face. He finds my powers fascinating. I find them infuriating. He thinks them as a blessing and I think them as a curse. My powers are not good. My powers are not cool. My powers are a burden. They force me to be alone, but, maybe, his powers will allow me, and my powers, to be with him… Maybe.

“I never know what to expect and you keep surprising me.” Jace continues his speech. “You keep doing the unexplainable and instead of frustrating me, it fascinates me. You don’t follow any kind of rule book and you defy all kind of laws. I envy you. You’re unrestricted, unrestrained, unbounded but you’re not pretentious. You’re completely amazing but you’re self-depreciating.

“You are the most powerful person here but you hate that. You wish you weren’t. You hate attention but you inexplicably draw it to you. I can’t explain it right but you’re like everything. You’re powers are half of you and then you try to be everything your powers aren’t. You’re powers are ostentatious but you try to disappear in a room.” He really does know me. Maybe even better than I know myself.

“You are at war with yourself but it’s not like you trying to fight who you are. Who you are is being at war with yourself. With your powers. You are you, and you are your powers. Powerful people. Unassuming Tully and her flamboyant powers.

“We all know that your powers are super powerful but I don’t think you know how powerful you are. You are good, selfless, kind, modest, brave, strong, laudable, altruistic and pure. Everything about you is powerful, Tully, not just your powers.”

That’s not right, is it? I’m a murderer, not brave. I run away from my problems. Can it be true?

“You help me, every day. You keep me sane. You keep me strong. I don’t know what I would do without you now that I’ve had you. I’m sorry that I’m being very frank and forward, but you need to know.

“I know you want to protect everyone you come into contact with, but you don’t have to do that with me. I know you think it’s risky or whatever, but I don’t. I know you’re not going to hurt me. Don’t ask me how, but I just know.”

I can’t hurt him. It would be inhuman to hurt him. I care too much about him to hurt him.

“So will you please, please, just do me this one favor and I’ll never ask you for anything ever again. Just please, don’t push me away. You don’t need to protect me. I’m stronger when I’m with you. Protection is overrated anyways. I like a little bit of danger and I find it alluring actually. I feel like you are exactly what I need in my life.”

My head is spinning with everything he just said, but I feel myself nodding slightly. How could he feel exactly how I feel about him? Can he actually think all of that about me? How long has he been thinking over this? I’m stunned. I don’t know what to think, or say. He always leaves me speechless, so I do what I normally do with him in times like these. I kiss him.

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