The City on the Edge
Thirty-three

He closed the bathroom door behind her, leaving her in the stretch of hall by herself. Her ears pricked at the noises downstairs, taking them in one by one and identifying them. The children were crying, long mournful wails that deepened the cracks in Ronnie’s heart. She could hear Constance’s soft words as she comforted them and tried to explain why they wouldn’t be seeing Anya anymore. Ronnie’s chest clenched tightly- she didn’t envy Constance’s position, but if anyone was capable of handling the situation with delicate hands, it was her.

This isn’t the time for this discussion, Ronnie thought with each step towards the room she shared with Lorna at the end of the hall. This would only make things worse. What if Lorna decided she didn’t want to be friends after this? What if she wanted Ronnie to choose between her and Sebastian? What if she just up and left, leaving Ronnie behind?

What if?

What if?

What if?

She couldn’t lose Lorna.

Ronnie stopped at the door. She raised her hand to knock and paused. A steady thump pushed into her mind, unfamiliar and close. Not a heartbeat. She turned to look out the window. Malik worked out by the blossom tree. He drove an old shovel into the ground with such ferocity that he sent up waves of dirt with each heave of his arms.

He’s not using magic to bury her.

It isn’t the time for this.

Ronnie turned back to the door, swallowed heavily and knocked.

There would never be a time for this.

Footsteps crossed the room. A heartbeat, one she’d listened to over and over again, soothing her on difficult nights plagued by nightmares and beating wildly under the press on her tongue.

Perhaps this was the only time for this.

The handle twisted and the door opened. Lorna’s puffy eyes narrowed when she saw Ronnie. “What?”

“…we need to talk.” Lorna moved to close the door but Ronnie stopped her with a hand. “Please? Talk to me?”

Lorna let go of the door, returning to her seat in the window. Ronnie gently shut the door and followed after her. She sat across from her, sinking down onto the worn pillow. It was reminiscent of earlier days, when they would sit together on the bench, legs entwined and talking about nothing. Ronnie peered outside at what Lorna was watching, getting a perfect view of the terrible sight of Malik at the tree. He stood in the waist deep hole, tugging Anya over to him with careful hands.

They watched him together while Ronnie thought of something to say. How should she begin a conversation where she admits that she can never return Lorna’s feelings?

Just go for it. Say the truth.

Ronnie took a deep breath and opened her mouth, but Lorna spoke first. “Why did you pick him?”

Ronnie’s words died on her tongue. “I didn’t.” Lorna pinned her with a look that said she didn’t buy it. “I don’t know how it happened or why. But it did. I didn’t pick him and he didn’t pick me. We were just…tossed together.”

“Do you love him?” Lorna demanded, tears gathering on her lashes.

Ronnie mulled Lorna’s question around in her head for a minute, tasting it. She’d only known him for a few days, but it felt like more, like there were already decades locked between, a lifetime contained in each touch.

“I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “I think I’m supposed to. A part of me wants him. I want to protect him and keep him close. I want to touch him. I want him to touch me. I’m not sure where these feelings come from but they’re here.” Ronnie tapped her chest, just over her heart. “I can’t ignore them. I’m not sure I want to.”

Lorna’s lip quivered. “What about me? What about us and all the time we spent together?” Lorna wiped at her eyes. She surged forward suddenly, cupping Ronnie’s cheeks with delicate fingers, pressing their lips together. “I love you.” Her voice broke and trembled.

Ronnie trailed fingers over her wet cheek and fixed an errant red curl behind Lorna’s ear. “I love you, too. You’re my best friend. But I just can’t return the love you want from me. It’s just not there. I never should have allowed our friendship to turn out like this.”

“What?” Lorna’s voice was laced with horror, like she was seeing the end of something she still wanted.

“The first time you asked me to share your bed and your body, I should have said no. I knew your feelings for me were stronger than friendship. I could taste the desire in your scent.” Ronnie took Lorna’s hands in hers. “I guess I was being selfish. I wanted to keep my only friend close. I’d lost so much, my mother and my home, that I couldn’t bear to lose the only anchor I had. I feel like I took advantage. I’m so sorry.”

Lorna sniffed, pulling a hand up to wipe at her eyes. “No, you didn’t. It’s not fair for you to shoulder all the blame here.” She locked their fingers together. “You know, I used to dream about you imprinting on me, ever since I read about the lore in one of Malik’s books. It seemed so romantic. When we both matured and it didn’t happen, I kept telling myself that I just had to wait. That eventually, you’d imprint and we’d be together for forever…but a part of me knew that you didn’t feel the same. An imprint just seemed like the way to change that.”

“You can’t force an imprint. If it didn’t happen then, it never would have.”

“Obviously,” Lorna snapped. She sighed and shook her head. “Sorry. It’s just, I wanted it so badly. And then you met this human and suddenly he’s taking everything that I ever wanted. I just…it’s…” Lorna broke off with a choked cry, frustration clenched tight in her small frame.

The distress in her scent broke Ronnie’s heart, ratcheting up the fear that they were done with each other. “Is this it, then?”

Lorna stared at her as if she couldn’t believe what Ronnie was asking. “Oh, Ronnie.” Lorna lifted her hands and pressed a kiss to Ronnie’s knuckles. “We’re still friends. We’ll always be friends. But I need some time, okay? I need to figure out what I feel. Give me that. Please. After everything, I think I deserve that much.”

Ronnie wanted to ask what she meant but Lorna gazed at her imploringly. She finally nodded and released Lorna’s hands. “Okay. Time and space. I can do that.”

Ronnie left her there on the window seat and went downstairs. It didn’t feel entirely resolved, but she did feel just a little better having finally admitted out loud what both she and Lorna knew a long time ago. She should have admitted it sooner.

Peeking in the sitting room, Ronnie saw the children had calmed down and were all gathered around Hazel as she read to them. The curtains had been drawn so that Dalton and the twins wouldn’t burn as the day continued. Their cheeks were streaked with dried tears, but at least the crying had stopped, replaced with the occasional sniffle.

Hazel caught Ronnie’s eyes from over the top of her book and nodded towards the window. Outside. She nodded her understanding and walked to the front door, stepping over the bundles of flowers and colored stones from the children. The door creaked when she pushed it open and she closed it as gently as she could.

Sebastian sat on the front steps, picking at loose splinters on the wooden porch. He looked up when he heard the door and smiled sadly at her.

“I guess it didn’t go like you hoped?” When she titled her head, he lifted a shoulder. “Sorry. I tried not to pry, but I couldn’t help it. I could feel everything. Sadness, guilt and a lot of hesitation.”

Ronnie sighed and sat down beside him. “Yeah. That’s what the whole conversation felt like.”

“I did pick up a little relief, though, I think. You two are still friends?”

She nodded. “Lorna wants time and space. So, I’m giving her time and space. But she promised that we’re still friends.”

“Good.” A silence fell between them. Ronnie listened to the rustle of leaves and the sway of tall grass rubbing together. Nature’s music. Creatures called and chipped to each other in the tress that bordered the house. It was nice out here, away from the market and the rest of the Edge.

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian said suddenly. “I know I’ve said that over and over but I do feel like my presence here is upsetting everything you’ve built in your life.”

“It is,” Ronnie admitted, “but maybe that isn’t a bad thing. Maybe Alukorra is right. It’s time for a change.”

“I meant what I said before. I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

The front door opened and Lorna stepped out. Her eyes darted between the two of them but she didn’t comment. She kept her hand on the door, not letting it close. “Hazel wants to see us. I told her about Alukorra.”

“You did?” Ronnie rose to her feet.

“She asked about what happened to Anya. Malik told her about the people that helped us get away from the manor. When she asked me, I told her what I knew.”

“Okay, I’m coming.” Ronnie started to the door.

Lorna didn’t move. “She wants to speak with him, too.”

Sebastian stood, cautious but ready to cooperate. Lorna looked at the both of them again and turned back inside. She held the door open for them and Ronnie steeled herself for a difficult conversation. How was she going to explain everything?

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