(Chapter song ‘Rock A Bye' by Clean Bandit, ‘Strong Enough' by Sheryl Crow)

APRIL

“BENJAMIN!”

I call up the stairs for the forth time this morning.

I rush to my bag and pack up my lunch. Grabbing Ben’s bag, I open it and throw his school books into it.

“BEN! YOU HAVE 2 SECONDS…” I turn around and yelp. I lean on the kitchen island as my sneaky kid stands there with an arched brow.

He grabs his bag. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” I fix my hair. I shake my head as I grab my purse. “You have your lunch money.”

“Yes.” He mumbles as he walks to the door.

“You’re phone charged?” I search for my keys.

“Yes, mom.” He reaches onto a small, hallway table and pulls my keys off it.

I shoot a look and take them. “OK. I’m going to be about an hour late picking you up. Just hang out and try to stay out of trouble.”

“OK.” He walks down the walk to the car. I lock up and walk to the drivers side.

I pull out and drive into town to his private school. “So, Finn sent you a present from California.”

He’s looking out the window. “Yeah.”

“What was it?” I ask as I watch the road.

“Don’t know.” He says.

“You didn’t open it?” I glance at him.

“Nope.” He says nonchalantly.

“OK…why not?” I ask.

“It’s probably another dumb hat or something.” He grumbles.

“Ben, Finn spends good money on your gifts. The least you can do is be respectful.” I say as I turn a corner and head to the parkway.

“Yeah right. He thinks I’m 5.” He rubs his hair and adjusts himself in his seat.

“He does not, Ben. Finn loves you. He wants you to be happy, okay. He likes buying you hats from the cities he visits. It’s nice that he does that.” I tick my head at him.

“Whatever.” He turns back to the window.

“What’s with you? What happened between you two?” I furrow my brow and glance at my moody son.

“Nothing.” He answers.

“Ben, tell me. Something happened.” I press.

He lets out a frustrated breath. “Nothing happened. We just talked.”

I study him quickly. “It must have been some talk. Finn looked like he got punched in the gut."

He turns and side eyes me. “I just told him how things are. It’s not my fault he’s pissed about it.”

I pull in front of the school. Students were filling the campus. The bell rings and everyone rushed to the door.

I put the car in park and turn to him. “Ben, what did you say to him?” I say with concern. The last thing I need is my son insulting people.

“Nothing. I gotta go.” He opens the door, jumps out and leaves.

“Ben!” I roll down the window and call to him.

He doesn’t turn. Just adjusts his pack and ignores me.

I roll the window back up and drive off.

I shake my head and pull out. On my way to work, I try to determine what Ben could possibly say to Finn to upset him. He tried to hide it, but I could tell it was massive.

These past couple of weeks, Ben seems more angry. I just wish I could help him. I feel like I’m being left in the dark and I hate that. Finn and I will have to have a sit down because I know somethings up.

Honestly, though, I think Ben could use a fresh start. When I get enough money up, that’s what I’m doing. I’ve got everything planned, I just need the cash.

I think it’s time I left Axelridge. Get away from this town. Away from these toxic players. On the surface, Axelridge looks like a good, fun city. Lots of sports and good times. Under the surface, no one sees the drinking, parties and women. No one can see the lack of responsibility these players have.

Although Finn helps, he’s not immune to it. When he’s not off on some promotional trip, he’s here living the life of someone with too much money. Yes, he’s great with Ben for a day or two, but then he’s off, partying with his friends, playing games and working on the council. Then it’s off to the next city.

It's not what I want for Ben and this town has a habit of sucking kids into that. I want Ben to have a nice, stable life and grow to have a nice, stable family. That’s why I have a little house picked out in a town called Black Lake. It’s small and quaint. It’s part of Falcon Ridge, but of all the packs, Black Lake seems to be the best place for kids.

I’ve already sent the pack application, it’s just a matter of waiting for a response and working to move.

What about Finns money? I haven’t spent a dime of it in years. I’m banking it to give it back when I leave. I don’t want to owe him anything. I want to leave with a complete clean slate.

It's not that Finns not a nice guy, he is. He’s just not relationship material. He has no real time for anyone besides himself. He tries to parent when he’s here, but he really hasn’t clocked in the time to earn that right. I’ve had many discussions about that. I wonder if Ben’s moodiness is because of that.

“Ok. Two coffees. Have we decided?” I pull out a pad from my apron.

The two men smile.

“Yeah, I’ll take two of whatever your packing in those tiny jeans.” I arch a brow at the jock sitting on my right as I stand waiting for his order.

“Sorry, I’m not on the menu.” I shake my head.

“Why not? I’d certainly like to know what kind of special you could give me.” He leans back and wiggles his brow.

I chew my cheek, pressing the frustration of constant hit-ons in this diner. I lean down to him. “Sorry, I don’t cater to small dick energy. When you grow up, maybe. Until then, what do you want to order?”

His friend stifles his snicker as the guy shoots him a look.

He looks completely offended, but in a busy restaurant, my guess is he’s not one to cause a scene. “Cheeseburger with everything.”

“That I can do.” I stand and write it down.

“I’ll have the same.” His friend says.

I smile. “Coming right up.”

I spin around and walk to the kitchen. My co worker Hannah, is putting glasses away. “I swear, the balls on these guys.”

She leans her hip on the counter and flips her blonde hair. “He’s cute.”

“He’s a pig.” I rip the order off and pin it to the order wheel. “Honestly, I can’t believe these guys think the garbage they spew works.”

“It depends on how sexually frustrated you are.” She shrugs.

“I'm not that desperate.” I toss my chin to the idiot at the table. “I just want to get through my day and leave this place.”

“Are you still leaving me?” She pouts.

“I have to. Ben needs this. I can’t spend my life dishing food to pigs who think they flash a smile and I’ll fall all over them. I want more. Ben needs more.” I say just as my phone vibrates.

I pull it out and look at the name. My brow furrows as I answer. “Hello?”

“Miss Warren?”

“Yes.” I confirm.

“This is the Axelridge South District School Board.”

I instantly perk up. “Yes….um…How can I help you?”

“We reviewed your appeal and would like to talk with you. Can you come in?”

I look around the restaurant and then Hannah. “Yes. Give me 20 minutes.”

“Great. See you then.”

I hang up and practically bounce on my toes.

“What is it?” Hannah asks as I try to contain my happy screams.

“That was the school board. I’m getting my license back!”

“AHH! April! That’s wonderful!” She hugs me.

“But I got to go now.” I push her back.

“Go! Screw this place. Go be a teacher!” She smiles.

My eyes light up. “Thanks!” I kiss her cheek. “I love you!”

“Love you too!” She giggles.

I rip off my apron and run out the restaurant. Running to my car, I pull out my keys and jump in.

“It’s all up from here, Benny.” I say through a smile as I pull out and drive to the school board office.

****

‘Miss Warren. This board recognizes that your problem was difficult to deal with. We also recognize the work you put in to overcome it. For that, we commend you. We've reviewed your application and agree that your progress is sufficient enough to return your teachers license. You will be reinstated and assigned to the Axelridge South Private High school effective immediately. Congratulations.’

‘Thank you.’

The thoughts of my meeting run through my brain as I eat my lunch in the high school courtyard a few days later.

I could barely contain my excitement. This is what I was meant to do. I’m happy here with the kids. It brings me a sense of pride that I get to help shape these kids into great things.

It also helps that Ben’s here too. Maybe he won’t feel so alone which I know he does. What kid wouldn’t when mom has to work three jobs? With my teachers salary, I can drop the extra work and focus on my son more.

It will also boost my savings and move us onto better things. Finn won’t like it, but I have to do what I have to for my family.

I clean up my mess, I start for the school and something catches my eye.

I stop and look at the chain link fence surrounding the school.

Three teenage boys in street clothes are standing in a huddle outside the property. They don’t look like any of our students. There’s something strange about them.

The tallest one with blonde, messy hair seems to stare at me from across the field.

I look away and begin to walk again. I glance over and they’re gone. Stopping, I scan the street. I chew my lip as I think maybe they’re just random kids who should be in school, but for some reason, aren’t. Still, I’ll keep an eye out. My kids safety will always come first.

After dropping Ben off at home, I headed downtown to shop for supplies and things I need for my classes.

What I found was not what I was expecting.

He was stopped at a crosswalk to the Security Complex waiting to cross.

As he catches my eye, I watch him run his fingers through his light brown hair and rub the stubble on his cheek. His chest pulls against his tight turtle neck and his jeans hug his thick thighs. He checks his phone, biting his lip like he always does.

I get lost and every once in a while my heart pings. We had our chance. I gave it a shot, but we don’t work. I loved Kyle and he loves the game. It doesn’t mean I still don’t hold that soft spot. For fleeting moments, I’ll think maybe? But then Ben comes to mind. Who I get with is not just about me. The man I get with has to be all in. He needs to be a strong father. Unfortunately, that’s not Finn, though I’d never tell him that. As a friend, I love him. I don’t know where I’d be without him. Even if it was part time. He does try when he’s here and I can’t fault him for wanting to live his own life. The only thing I can fault him for is trying to bring me and Ben into it. That I won’t do.

I sigh and walk to him.

“Hi.” I chirp.

He smiles big. “Hi. What are you doing here?”

“What are you doing here? You’re back early.” I motion to him.

He rubs his nape. “The shoot went quicker than I thought it would. It went well, I think. It’s easy when you got Trezner wearing your sneakers.” He chuckles.

I smile and nod. “Cool. So, do you have time to hang out? We haven’t done that in ages.”

The light changes and a group of people cross the street. “Uh…” He pulls out his phone. “I’m supposed to be in the Hub in an hour, but yeah, we could go for a coffee or something.”

This is life with Finn Trezner. Always on a schedule. Ready to leave at a moments notice. I understand as Alpha, he’s busy. He has an entire city to run and a NHL career to work. You have to take the minutes when you can get them because you never know when the next ones will come.

“Sure. Lead the way.” I hold a hand out to the walk.

He smiles and we walk together like we’ve done many times before. This just feels different. I thinks it’s because I’ve grown in some way. I feel like I’m ready for anything, but Finn is stuck. I’ve grown because I no longer feel like I want to be stuck with him. Do I wish he would fix his life? Maybe. Do I want to get back what we lost? I don’t know.

If I was big like him, I could help him like he helped me, but I’m not. The pedestal he’s on is way out of my reach and I don’t have the strength to compete. All I can do is be available for him if he ever needs me. He just never does. The man truly has everything. There’s really nothing a junior high school teacher could give a national hockey star that he can’t get himself.

For now, I take these minutes. I engage 100 percent during every one because that’s what good friends do.

The problem with that is during these minutes, there's a little voice inside that always says ‘Maybe’.

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