Remembering You
Envy

If I could replace the envy, I have towards you with something new; I would in a heartbeat. If I could promise you, I would be there even in the darkest of times; I would not hesitate to answer the phone. If I knew we would be nothing within a total of four months; I would still stand by you. If I knew somehow everything would fall apart; I would take a leap over that bump just to protect what we had left.

I would give you my all, every second of every day leading up to the day you walked away. I would have smiled more and wallowed less. I would have fought for what I thought was best. I would have been honest with you about what I felt; even if that meant I would lose you still. I would do everything again.

I envied those who you smiled at, even in passing because they saw a part I rarely saw. It was as if they were closer to you than you would let me be.

That should have been my clue. You stepped close to me one second, to pull away the next. You were always bailing on me whenever someone else became your priority. I questioned what I did; why did I feel the way I felt? How could I change the outcome?

I stayed up every night hoping there was an explanation; but even the nights that led up to you ending this I dreamt of things happening that had yet to come true. I dreamt of you telling me we were not going to work because of a weird feeling. I dreamt of you saying you needed to figure yourself out. I dreamt all of this; yet did not take myself seriously.

If I could replace the envy, I have directed towards you; I would in a heartbeat. If I could change the way this ended, I would without question. If I could make you a happier person without being there with you, I would without any doubt be happy for you.

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