Lost in the Deep Blue Sea
04.

I swam up, grabbing onto the ledge for support. I watched the humans from afar walk around their city. I had so many questions about the human world and I had only one person to answer them.

I swam away and headed back to Neverland. I arrived at Mermaid Lagoon and pulled myself up on the beach, keeping my tail submerged in the water. I looked around for any sign of Mr. Pan but he wasn’t here yet.

The guilt soaked into my conscience and there was no way I could fix it now. I had told my people that I was going to use Mr. Pan for making babies. I was far from that. I never meant the harm but it was surely going to come.

I lied. I told a big lie and I couldn’t escape that now. I had to come face to face with my lie. I had to tell Mr. Pan about what I’d done. I needed help on how to be a strong queen. I needed to be taught how to speak up.

I had so much I had to ask Mr. Pan but I wasn’t sure if he would answer it all. Would he hate me for lying about why I was talking to him?

Why did Cora have to tell the others? She knew it would force me to speak. If the other mermaids questioned me, too, I’d have to speak.

I was trapped in this situation and I didn’t know how to get myself out. I needed to come clean about my lie but I couldn’t. I was digging deeper into my grave and I didn’t know how long it would be before they all caught me. I would definitely be overthrown for this. I didn’t want to lose my position. It was the only thing that truly protected me from judgment and insults.

I wish the mermaids would see me as a queen who had power. I wanted them to notice that I was more than just their womb. I wanted to be more. I wanted to love and be free. I wanted to be who I was supposed to be and not whom the mermaids wanted me to be. I needed them to realize that I had power and I wanted it to show. I could make a change and they would have to go with it because I was the Queen of the Sea. They were not. I owned the throne.

I needed them to know that love was not a bad thing. Love did not make us weak. We could love and still populate at the same time. That’s exactly what humans did.

Humans had it all. Humans did everything they wanted. Somehow they still abused their blessings and chose to do bad things. Why were humans so complicated? Why were they like this?

Humans were complex creatures indeed. They didn’t realize how easy they had it with this free will and yet they still chose to hurt people. They still wanted to destroy their own kind. There was no humanity in most humans.

“You’re waiting for me, I see,” I heard the accent echo behind me.

I turned my head and smiled at Mr. Pan. “I have nothing better to do. My only options are to be here or be questioned by the mermaids about whom I will choose.”

“Sounds irritating.” Mr. Pan sat down on the water next to me. His pants were getting soaked but he didn’t seem to care.

“Where are you from, Mr. Pan?” I asked.

“I’m from England. Chester, England. It’s not a big city but it’s fairly average. It’s not small either. And if you’re wondering how old I truly am, I can say I’m not that old. I ask the boys which year they came from when they arrive and it tells me how much time has passed since I left. I’m over fifty but still under one hundred. I will tell you that much.” He winked at me.

“And what about your accent? What accent is that called?” I leaned back on my hands as my fingers buried themselves in the sand under the water.

“English accent. I have an English accent. It’s nothing special but I do pronounce some words different from other countries.” He glanced at me.

“Which words would those be?” I was really fascinated by human nature and their pasts. I wanted to know about Mr. Pan and where he’d come from.

“I can name four off the top of my head. Garage. Advertisement. Schedule. Privacy. America pronounces those differently. Some of my lost boys come from America and they will question why I pronounce those words the way I do but that’s just the dialect of my country. It can change from individuals as well, but overall, we usually pronounce them like that.” He shrugged.

“Privacy... Schedule... Advertisement... Garage... You do say them in a funny way. I don’t mean that to offend you.”

“No worries, Raina. I am not offended. Those are just so words we say differently. We have some words we use that others don’t usually use in their countries. Slag, wanker, twat... None of them are good words but we all have our vocabulary.”

“What do they mean?” I asked.

“Well, twat and wanker are pretty similar. They’re just insults, like calling someone an idiot or a jerk. Slag is worse. It’s basically what you call a woman who sleeps around with different guys. Those are the words my parents used. I sometimes refer to Captain Hook as a wanker or a twat but that’s just because those aren’t super bad words. It’s not as bad as calling someone curse words or something. I wouldn’t go that far.” He shook his head and looked at me.

I nodded my head, wondering what it would’ve been like to grow up human. It would’ve been different. I could’ve been myself. I could want love without being told I was the outcast.

“So, what else are humans like? What was it like living in the human world compared to now?” I gestured to our surroundings.

“Humans are different. Living in the Mainland is not quite like living on Neverland. There, we pay taxes. We have to obey all these laws and kids basically have no say. Our feelings do not matter. Adults treat us like we are worthless when it comes to feelings and opinions. They think they’re better than us and that they know it all.” He let out a long sigh.

I looked down at my lap. I didn’t know what to say.

“Neverland is different. Kids have meaning and purpose here. They matter. There are no taxes or laws. We just have fun and survive this world. We don’t have to worry about adults or their problems undermining our significance in life. Captain Hook exists and he surely tries to play as if he’s better but he knows he’s not. I win every battle. Kids are important, too.” He leaned closer, whispering the last sentence.

I nodded my head, understanding what he was saying. The adults treated the kids like they were of no importance. It was an unfair world.

“What is love like?”

“What would I know about love? I’ve never loved or been loved in the human world. The bond between me and my lost boys is that of friendly love. We love each other like family. We will support each other no matter what.” He looked out upon the horizon.

“Will I ever meet your lost boys?” I looked over at him, admiring his face. He seemed so calm and content at this moment. It was almost as if the sea had the same effect on him as it did me.

“Lost boys are not too fond of mermaids.”

“Why not? We never hurt them.” The mermaids had been more scared than anything to interact with a lost boy. If we ever hurt one, it would only be out of defense.

“They’re complicated. Mermaids are girls. Lost boys are boys. Most of them just don’t like girls. We have grown up being boys and being around girls makes boys...different. Boys either act extremely nice or they can act completely mean. With my boys, I fear the second option would come into play.” He patted my hand out of comfort.

“I can’t meet your lost boys because they would probably hurt me and you can’t tell me about human love. Have you ever wanted to love?” I moved my hand away from his. The skin to skin contact rose the guilt within me, reminding me of what lie I told.

“I’ve never thought much about love. I’m only a boy. My main focus was making sure I got away from my family. I have spent my whole life trying to survive and make a better future. I have tried to build Neverland into what it is now. I rule an entire island and a bunch of lost boys who have nowhere else to go. I guess what I’m trying to say is, my last worry is romantic love. I don’t need to find a girl and love her because I have much more,” he finished.

I didn’t know how else to come out about this. I decided to just say it before I changed my mind. “I told the mermaids that I was talking to you because you’ll help me populate the next generation.”

Mr. Pan stayed silent for a minute, not daring to react. The fear festered as he continued to stay still without a sound coming from his mouth. I wanted him to say something. He could either forgive me or banish me from his island. I didn’t know which way it would go.

Mr. Pan shook his head what looked to be in disappointment. He didn’t look at me when he asked, “And what led you to lie to your people about us?”

“My weakness. I might be a queen, but I wasn’t chosen. I was born into this. I was destined to be a queen from the moment I was born with more fish than human DNA. Being a queen was handed to me; it wasn’t earned. I’m weak. I admit that. I am weak and I caved and lied to the mermaids. I told them you and I were going to procreate for my people. I feel so awful but I don’t know how to tell the truth. They judge me enough as it is.” I looked away from him, unable to look him in the eye. Shame hung heavy on my shoulders.

Mr. Pan stood up from the water. “You’re going to ask me to help you become outspoken and strong? Raina, I wish I could help but you have to do this yourself. This has to be for you. You’re their Queen and you need to be able to run a society yourself. I am King of Neverland, not King of the Sea. I rule the land. I know nothing about ruling the sea. I can only tell you this. You have to learn to grow for yourself.”

“It’s hard. I am still a child. I don’t know how to grow. I wasn’t taught. I have been raised differently. I want to be more human and only you can teach me to be more human.” I wanted to stand up but my tail did not give me that ability.

Mr. Pan walked up the beach and stopped, looking back at me. “Raina, I want you to be able to say you did this yourself. You’re a queen who runs a society by herself. You live with females. Getting help from a male and another king is only going to make it worse on your part. They will respect you more if you do it alone. You can do it. You’re strong somewhere deep down. You just have to bring it out.”

“I don’t want to do it alone. I’ve done everything alone my whole life. I want help. Some queens have kings who help them and that’s normal from what I know about the human world.” I wanted a king to rule with me.

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