Julia Lelieveld and the fifth element
~ 1~

I was startled awake by a slamming door of a car and looked around me wildly, the sun shone brightly through the cracks in my curtains. I heard the radio of my alarm softly, shit I slept through the alarm.

I quickly walked to the window, I saw that it was the moving vans. I looked around my room, which was filled with moving boxes. I slept on a mattress on the floor as the bed was already taken apart.

My door opened softly, it was my father. He looked at me with his brown eyes, his dark hair was already neatly styled. He was wearing jeans with a faded police sweater. "You are awake."

I moaned. "Dad, why didn't you wake me up earlier?" I rubbed my hands into my face. "Sorry honey, but you slept so well this morning and it's been a while." He was right about that. I looked at him gratefully.

"Okay, dad, I'm going to get dressed quickly and then I'll come and help."

"You don't have to help, just take it easy."

He picked up a box and went downstairs. I know I could live up to this moment for a while, half a year ago daddy had already agreed to his new job and the new house. But now that the day had come for us to actually move, it was all so final.

I went to the bathroom. I remember decorating this bathroom with my mother. I tried to take everything into my mind. My mother breathed this house. Very pleasant on one side, confronting on the other. I looked in the mirror and I saw that my green eyes looked sad. There was a coarse curl in my dark hair that fell over my shoulders. I had lost some weight due to all the events. I actually thought I was too thin, all my clothes were just a bit too loose.

I quickly took a shower and put on a nice pair of jeans and a simple white shirt. There will be a lot of lugging and walking today.

I packed the last things that had to go with the truck. I walked downstairs with a pressure on my chest. Geez, that went fast. The kitchen and half the living room were already empty.

"Are you hungry?" I looked at my father, he was trying so hard.

"I'll get some from the bakery. I'll bring something for the movers right away."

"That's sweet of you." He kissed me on the head.

"Dad?"

"Yes darling?"

I looked at him for a moment to look at his face, I saw that he was having a very hard time with it.

"I want to visit mommy today, do you want to come with me?"

He looked sad in his eyes. "I said goodbye last night, but I'd be happy to come with you if you'd like."

Fortunately, I can go out alone a few weeks ago.

"No, Dad, I'll go alone." I tried to smile for a moment. He seemed relieved.

"Your bicycle is in front of the garage, so you can still use it, see you later."

"Thank you Dad, see you later."

I walked outside, it was a beautiful autumn day. The sun was shining and there was almost no wind.

Once on my bike, a wave of emotions washed over me. I realized that this would be the last time I would cycle here. I had already said goodbye to my friends yesterday, which helped to close everything. Gosh, how I will miss them.

I turned to school on autopilot, I didn't realize it until I was actually standing in front of the school. How stupid of me, but yes I had already cycled that ride for 4 years.

The school was deserted. It was autumn break. I still couldn't believe that exactly in a week's time I would be standing in front of another school in another province.

The students in my new school would stop staring and pointing at me in the hallway. The teachers wouldn't take me aside to ask if I was okay. I definitely wouldn't miss that. I tried to look on the bright side, a fresh start.

Unfortunately, that new start was necessary. It could all have been prevented.

After saying goodbye to the school in my mind, I got on my bike.

The cemetery was beautiful and peaceful. Beautiful flowers everywhere and the autumn colors glowed beautifully in the sun. I put my bike down and walked to my mother's grave. For a month she had a tombstone. I always thought it was a bad idea to have such a big stone on the grave, but mom's stone was very beautiful. Dad and I chose it together. It was a beautiful brown-red marble stone. It radiated warmth and love, just like my mother. I hated the idea that I couldn't go by when I wanted to.

I knelt down next to the stone. The grave was right next to a large old tree. Between the leaves, the sun's rays revived the beautiful marble.

I looked at the ring on my left index finger. My father had this ring made especially for me. It was made from my mother's wedding ring. The ring was very important to me. Knowing that my mother always wore this ring, she was still with me for a bit.

It was hard for me to say goodbye, but it was always a comfort to be able to go to the grave whenever I wanted. When we move into the new house, I couldn't just get on my bike and go to Mom's grave.

I tried to see the positive side of life, but sometimes it was very difficult. Life wasn't always fair.

Yet every day I was grateful that I was still there myself. It would have been close if I had been lying next to her. I got a chill as the thought crossed my mind.

I looked sadly at her name, Anna Juliaantje Lelieveld-Molenhout, 1970 – 2009.

She was much too young to die. I ran my hand over the beautiful warm stone.

In my mind, I did say goodbye.

With mixed feelings I walked back over the beautiful pebble path to my bike. With one last look at Mama's grave, I stepped out the gate. Once on my bike towards the main street I passed the local coffee bar.

I sat there for a while. Cozy with my friends after school or on weekends. I saw Linda and Tess having a nice cup of tea.

I had almost pressed the brakes already, but if I spoke to them again now, it would only make the goodbyes harder. Last night was tough enough. I quickly cycled to the bakery. I entered the bakery and there was Matthijs, I could tell immediately by his posture and his dark blond curls. Matthijs and I have been a couple. But over time, we both agreed that we're actually good friends. There was no love anymore. So now we were good friends but when we both had a few drinks the evening ended up a bit more intimate than you normally would with friends. When the old-fashioned bell rang, he automatically looked at the door. I looked straight into his eyes, I saw confusion and sadness in his eyes. He probably saw the exact same thing in my eyes.

Unexpectedly, he took my hand and walked out with me. I looked at him questioningly.

"I hoped I'd see you again, I was so sorry to say goodbye last night in front of everyone." He looked at the ground.

"It was annoying to say goodbye anyway."

He grabbed my chin gently and looked at me. "I will miss you."

"Me too."

As I said that, I saw a small glint in his eye.

For a moment he seemed to be thinking about something. Then he took my hands and kissed me on the mouth. For a moment I was too surprised at what he was doing, but soon I returned his kiss.

It was a nice kiss, but different than usual. We both knew this would be the last kiss. He seemed to put all our feelings into this kiss. For a moment I felt the muscles in my lower abdomen tighten.

He broke our kiss and looked at me with his beautiful eyes. Waiting. I smiled at him, he replied with a big smile.

"I will miss you," he said again.

"I will miss you too." We gave each other another kiss and he walked away. I kept watching him until he turned the corner.

I realized I was standing in the middle of the curb. I quickly walked back to the bakery to buy the promised sandwiches.

My lips still tingling, I cycled back home. When I got home I saw that the truck was almost full. I walked through the garden to the back door and entered the kitchen. My father was working with a moving man to lift the refrigerator onto a trolley. He looked up with a red head.

"Luckily you're here, I was already starting to worry."

"It's all right, Dad, I ran into Matthijs at the bakery, so that's why."

I omitted the kiss, but I think Dad knew there was more between us than just friendship.

I never talked to him about it, I always did that with my mother.

After we had finished the sandwiches, the last things were put in the truck. The valuables and the things we needed quickly were in the car.

I heard the tailgate of the truck slam shut and their engine start. That meant we had to say goodbye to the house.

"Shall we go for another round to see if we really have everything?"

"Okay, Dad."

He put his hand on my back and led me up the stairs. We walked up and checked every room. I tried to take it all in. We also checked everything downstairs. Finally, the side room. I hadn't been here since Mama passed away.

"You go to the car, I'll check this room." My father looked at me with sad eyes.

"Maybe it's best to step into the room one more time so that I have closure."

"Are you sure?" He looked at me uncertainty. I haven't been in that room since I got out of the hospital. "Yeah, I think it's okay." He took my hand and led me into the side room.

He opened the door slowly and the room looked different. The walls had been painted and a new floor had been laid. It wasn't the room the way it used to be.

In a flash, the image of the accident surfaced again. That's what I called it "an accident". I remember exactly that Dad was sitting next to the door, tied to a chair. Mama and I sat side by side across from him. One of the two men held me where I was with a knife to my throat and the other man assaulted my mother. Now that I was standing here, I could still hear her screaming, just the thought went through my marrow and bone. No, I didn't want this. I shook my head and I was back in the present. Everything looked different again. I quickly walked back to the hall. My father followed me. "Are you alright?"

"You changed the room." I heard the relief in my voice. My father grabbed me and gave me a big hug, that did me good.

"Come on, let's go," I said with conviction in my voice.

"Yes, let's go."

After we locked the front door and threw the keys through the letterbox, it was really ready. On to a fresh start.

We got in the car, looked back one more time and drove off. Away from all memories, away from the past, towards the future.

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