joy.
record XXVI: sevisté va chalei, part I.

A young Tsubaki woke up covered in sweat and tears.

Frantically, he threw the cotton-white bedsheets off his body and slipped off his bed gracelessly. The books on his tall, darkwood bookshelf mocked him with the words hidden in the creases of pages, so in his rage and fear, he threw them to the ground, hitting the sun-stained walls of the morning.

His mind was not yet aware of the daylight, and his heart remained in the starless midnight of his nightmares. Half awake, he tore down the billowing, sheer curtains near his window, for they mocked him and reminded him of the ghosts that plagued his slumber.

Wandering through the haze of restlessness, he knocked down wooden terracotta pots filled with flowers, hoping to silence their songs.

With every act of destruction he made, he screamed and cursed to the voices of his despair, beseeching their absence.

“Tsubaki!!” cried Eleanor urgently. She pounded her fists at his bedroom door.

Tsubaki rushed to his door and opened it quickly. Before Eleanor could stop him, he ran past her, running out the door, running outside.

“Tsubaki!!” shouted Eleanor, running after him.

The phthalocyanine blue and orchid painted the edge of the sky, and dandelion rays of sunrise pierced Tsubaki’s tear-stained eyes. Oreinataxia fueled his fleeing footsteps and his troubled thoughts relayed.

If he disappeared from her sanctuary, perhaps no harm would meet her path. She would remain a beacon of beauty and hope. It would be his act of redamancy and atonement for every error he brought forth in her blessed presence.

Tsubaki’s bare feet tripped on rocks hidden in the tall, grassy fields and he fell to the ground. Mud splattered across the front of his mint-colored tunic and his white slacks. The grainy texture of dirt mixed in his mouth and traced his trembling lips; the scent of petrichor and earthworms flooded his nostrils.

In stillness, he remained like a discarded doll covered in heaps of refuse. He wept in his pitiful state, recalling his childhood of filth. Drapetomania flowed through his veins, but no matter how far he ran, he found the shadows of his sorrows were inescapable.

“If only I...” sniffled Tsubaki. Only a few feet away from him was a rock, one that was sharp enough to pierce through the skin. With wavering strength, his right hand sprawled out to grasp it.

“If only I left this world...maybe then, no one would suffer...” he muttered under a heavy breath.

“Tsubaki!” cried Eleanor. A shiver coursed down Tsubaki’s spine, and he turned to see her distressed and anxious.

“Stay away from me!!” pleaded Tsubaki, who struggled in the mud. He got up on his knees and held the sharp rock near his slender neck.

“Tsubaki, please, put that down!” begged Eleanor, who came closer.

“No, please, stay away from me!!” cried Tsubaki.

“And why should I do that?”

“I’m a monster...all I’ll do I hurt you!”

“But you have been with me for a few months now, and I--”

“I killed them!” he screamed in torment. “I killed my brother and sister! I killed my parents! Everyone in that bloody war died because of my existence!! Everyone, they...”

Tsubaki gripped onto the rock tighter. Blood trickled from his hands and onto his garments.

“My existence...has only brought sorrow...I should’ve never been born...”

Eleanor’s eyes widened at the pitiful sight of the young boy. She walked closer to him.

“Please, stay away from me...” he whimpered, affrighted. He continued to clasp onto the stone and curled up like a wretched, nocturnal creature fearful of the morning light.

“How could I ever stay away from you?” asked Eleanor. Her voice remained tender, but inside her words, a frustration lingered. It was no anger towards the child she had welcomed into her heart but towards the demons who held tightly to his soul.

With steady hands, she took ahold of Tsubaki’s trembling body and pulled him into an embrace.

“No, my child, I could never stay away from you,” she assured. “You are the only you there is.”

“But I was only born to cause tragedy...I...” wept Tsubaki.

“Tragedy has been in this world long before you, dear,” said Eleanor with gentle conviction. “It was here at the beginning of creation and shall be here till the heavens break open. For you to think your existence as everyone’s source of agony is ludicrous.”

She stroked through his messy hair, carefully untangling the knots.

“Tsubaki,” she began. “Do you know why I brought you here to live with me?”

“N-No...” replied Tsubaki, sniffling.

“It was because I saw you in a dream,” she stated.“I saw you lost, terrified, and alone. I have seen what has driven you to anguish and lamented over your losses. When I had seen all of your moments of despair, my heart formed the words I have to say to you now.”

With a motherly strength, she began to rock Tsubaki’s body like the whistling wind through the summer wheat.

“My child...from the very moment you were found forming in your mother’s womb, you existed. From that very moment, you were meant to be loved and cherished. In our lives, we all must face pain and suffering. That is the way of this mortal realm. But sometimes, our sorrows can bring us joys. From my sorrow of losing my dear husband, I was able to meet you.”

The softness of her voice collided with the warmth of the morning song, calming Tsubaki’s shaky breaths.

“You’re not a monster, my dear. You were taught kindness from the flowers and desired to find a refuge for the one you lost. You fought to protect the innocent, even when all was grim. You never abandoned a soul. No, you have always been brave, even when you wished to choose cowardice. If you didn’t exist, if you hadn’t been born, I wouldn’t have anyone to care for now.”

Eleanor’s eye welled with sparking, opal tears. They traced down her aged face like shimmering stars in an aubergine galaxy.

“You’re my blessing from Elohim, a precious gift to this world. Though your life has had a sad beginning, it still has yet to reach its ending. And of the thousands of souls Elohim has created and set in this world, I’m so thankful you’re the one beside me.”

She lifted Tsubaki’s face and kissed his forehead tenderly, her touch like a breeze of overwhelming peace.

“I’m so happy you exist...” she wept. She gazed into Tsubaki’s eyes with familial affection and assurance that he was no wanderer, but her child, her son.

Tsubaki’s eyes widened, and his lips quivered. Cries of ineffable bewilderment flowed from his lips. Crystal tear streamed down his weary face. His dirtied fists lifted themselves from the earth and traced the fabrics of Eleanor’s dress sleeves.

He clung to them like a wailing infant to its mother. A sense of rebirthing disenthralled him, cutting away at the burdens upon his stained soul.

The feeling of a million sorrows released their grasp upon him, the sensation of wondrous light piercing dreadful darkness flooding within him.

For the first time in his tragic tale, he did not feel like an island lost in the middle of battering sea waves. His existence felt kaleidoscopic, for though the monochromatic sorrow remained, the colors of life had begun to trickle in through the cracks her words created in his fragile heart.

Her words spoke in a mercy he craved. A comfort beyond even her shone through the rivulet sky, containing a glimpse of Aeternia.

She was only mortal, a body and soul ruled over by time’s mercy. But in her was a goodness and gracefulness with an eternal flow, one that could only reflect the existence of Elohim.

He existed indeed--and through the amaranthine virtue of her being, Tsubaki saw Elohim, and the freedom within His undying love.

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