Extracts from The Diaries of 'Professor' Cornelius Crane
June 15th, 1997

I’ve screwed up really bad – literally and figuratively. In fact, my foolishness may well cost me my life.

Yesterday was Steve and Nikki’s wedding day. Apart from her arriving slightly late at the church, everything had gone pretty smoothly. That is until the hotel where the reception was being held.

I had a couple of whiskies in and was feeling rather mellow and good about the whole event.

On my third trip to the bar I spotted Steve getting a couple of refills for himself and Nikki.

I ambled over and asked, “So how’s it feel to be part of the married crowd? Scary?”

“Actually I haven’t been this happy since…well I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my entire life.”

“Be careful, Steve! When you put someone on a pedestal, it’s normally you that takes the tumble. And the higher you feel you are, the further you’ll fall.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Forget it.”

“I know you’ve never really liked Nikki. But that’s because you don’t know her like I do.”

“I said, ‘Forget it!’ I’m sorry. Come on! It’s your goddamned wedding day for Pete’s sakes. Don’t pay no mind to a miserable old pessimistic sod like me. Besides, if I didn’t like her, why the hell would I want to give you guys such a great wedding present?”

“I can’t thank you enough, you know? This whole thing is just so wonderful. Everything’s going so smoothly. You made this happen. I can’t tell you enough how happy you’ve made Nikki. It means a lot to me. I’ll never forget it.”

“I wasn’t talking about the wedding expenses.”

“Then what?”

I reached into my jacket pocket and retrieved the check I had made out in his name. I slid it face-down across the bar counter towards him. “I was planning on giving this to you during my little speech later on, but I felt it might be a little too showy of me.”

He picked it up and read the amount, “‘Fifty Thousand Dollars!’”

“Just a little something extra to say thank you for the great work you’ve been doing at Global – both of you.”

“This is way too much! I can’t accept this! No!”

“Of course you can! You deserve every cent! Now put it away and stop making a fuss.” I looked about. “You’re creating a scene.” I pointed to my empty glass and spoke to the barman. “Whiskey and water - plenty ice.” Then I turned back to Steve who already had his refills. I winked and said, “Go on! Bugger off now! Go have some fun with your bride! It’s your wedding day damn it!”

About an hour later I was on my way to the gents, after finishing my fourth whiskey, when a hand grabbed my arm and spun me round.

It was Nikki.

“Enjoying the party, boss?” she asked.

“I better be! It’s costing me a goddamned fortune.”

She introduced me to her maid of honor, all in pink and frills. “This is my best friend and maid of honor, Melanie Edwards.” Then to Melanie she said, “This is the man I’ve told you so much about. My big boss, Cornelius Crane.”

Melanie’s eyes widened. “Are you the guy who paid for all this?”

“That’s me! Now if you lovely ladies will excuse me, I really need to take a piss. You both have a nice time now.”

Nikki pulled me back again. “Wait! I wasn’t finished.”

“Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to get between a man and the can when he really needs to go?”

“I got a better idea.”

“Yeah?”

“I want you to see where your money’s gone.”

“I know exactly where my money’s gone. The same place I need to go right now!”

“No! I want you to see the bridal suit. You’ll love it. You can take a pee up there.”

“I dunno? Not really interested.”

“Oh, please! It would make me so happy to know that you approve.”

“Approve?”

“I don’t want you to think we wasted your good money on some silly…joint.”

“Joint? This is a three star hotel. I’m very sure the…”

“Oh, please, it’ll only take you five minutes.”

“That’s a whole five minutes of my life that I’ll never have back.”

“Please? Please? Please? Pretty please?”

Just then a large party of men shuffled past us into the gents.

“Shit!” I said frowning. “Looks like I just might need to point Percy at that porcelain of yours upstairs.”

“Great!” she exclaimed attaching herself to my arm. “You’re just gonna love the place. I know it!”

At the elevator she dismissed Melanie who was following us like a mute puppy. “Oh, Mel, go keep the guests…happy or something. Tell them I’ll be back soon. Tell them I needed to take a pee.”

“If you need to whiz, you’re gonna need my help with that dress of yours.”

“I don’t really need to go! Just tell them something - anything!”

The doors had slid shut with Mel still in the foyer.

We were the only occupants in the elevator so I asked, “How the hell do you take a whiz in that thing.” Her dress made her seem like a large bell. It was all puffed out around her waist in a massive array of folds and frills. It was strapless; held up securely in place by her magnificent full bosom. Her hair had been pulled up onto the top of her head and shaped into what appeared to me to be a large, shiny, golden, moon shell.

“Do you like it? Steve says I look like Cinderella.”

“You sure he didn’t say like one of her sisters?

She slapped my arm. “That was nasty! Don’t you know it’s bad luck to say anything bad about a bride on her wedding day?”

“It is?”

“Well it should be!” She extended her bottom lip. “Why don’t you like me?”

“I told you before. Because I know what you’re capable of.”

“You hardly know me at all! You spurned all my advances from the very first day. I’ve always liked and admired you, but you always treat me so badly.”

“I don’t trust women who can never take no for an answer.”

“I think that determination is an admirable quality.”

“And always getting what you want is just plain selfishness; absolutely nothing commendable about that.”

“If you don’t like me, then how come you paid for my wedding?”

“Just look at the way your mind works? It’s not your wedding. It takes two to make a marriage.”

“All women think of their wedding day as mine. It is the one day that we’re allowed to shine.”

“And the groom is…what – just part of the decorations?”

“Now that you mention it – yes! The wedding day belongs chiefly to the bride. The groom has the wedding night. Everybody knows that.” The doors slid open on the top floor and she danced into the hallway. Then she gave a turn that made the dress balloon outward even further.

I stepped out too. She lifted both her arms and pointed down the long passageway in both directions. “There’s a bridal suite at both ends. We could choose the one we liked best. I guess they put them at the end so that the other guests don’t get disturbed?”

“Disturbed?”

“By the sounds of the honeymoon couple, silly!”

“Are you planning to make some noise?”

“Baby, Steve and I are gonna make some sweet music tonight!”

“That’s the first positive thing I’ve heard you say.”

She moved off down the passageway. “This way! We chose the one at the end of this corridor to the left.”

At the last door, she removed a key card from between her cleavage that was hanging around her neck and passed it over a sensor unit on the wall. The door lock clicked open and she went inside. She closed the door after I entered.

My senses were suddenly bombarded by the excessive use of pink and frilly décor.

“Isn’t it just too beautiful?” she asked waving a hand over the room. “I would love my house to look just like this.” She placed the key card next to a pink vase of pink flowers on a bureau before admiring herself in the mirror. “That silly card thingy’s strap breaks the sensual nakedness between my tits and neck.” She cupped her breasts and gave then a hefty lift. “That’s better!” She turned to face me. “What do you think?” She gave them three more bounces before lowering her hands.

“You sure do love pink and frilly. Ironically, the only thing that ain’t pink around here is your virgin white frilly dress.”

“Well, it is my first time!”

“I seriously doubt that?”

“Getting married!”

“Oh!” I glanced around some more. “I’m guessing that Steve didn’t have much say in the choice of bridal suite?”

“This is my day, remember?”

“But the night belongs to Steve, remember?”

She put her nose in the air and said proudly, “Steve likes to make me happy. He worships the ground I walk on.”

“So that gives you the right to shit on that ground and rub his nose in it?”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I love him dearly too. He’s just a little rigid in his ways. But I’ll change him.”

“The old saying is so true.”

“What saying?”

“‘A wife thinks she can change her husband, and a husband thinks his wife will never change.’”

“Well just you watch me.”

“What’s the first thing on your agenda? Convincing him to join a swingers club?”

“Oh, I love the way your mind works. I never knew you were so…kinky. Steve may be a genius but he’s so damned stiff in the bedroom. And I certainly don’t mean that in a good way. You on the other hand…”

“The man is a genius,” I corrected. “He’s far cleverer than me.”

“Then how come you’re the guy with all the money, huh?”

“Is that how you measure success, by the thickness of a man’s…wallet?”

“I’ll be painfully honest with you here. Size matters honey. I look at the bulge in the front and back.”

“I really need to go. Now!”

“But you just got here. You haven’t even seen the bedroom yet?”

“And I mean I need to see the bathroom!”

“Oh, of course. Sorry! Silly me.” She pointed the way. “Through there! I just love it too. It’s so big and spacious and …”

“Pink and frilly, I’m guessing!” I made a hasty departure into the bathroom. Yep, the pink and frills were unrelenting as they continued into the bathroom. Even the spare roll of toilet paper was covered in a pink frilly crochet work that looked like a bride’s maid doll.

“Three star kitsch,” I mumbled to myself lifting the pink frilly lid of the toilet. I undid my zip and proceeded to close my eyes in bliss as the tension in my bladder eased. “Ah, shit, yeah! That feels so good!”

“You men!” said Nikki leaning against the frame of the bathroom door. “You act like taking a pee is almost as good as sex.”

“Hey?” I said irritated. Do you mind if I have a little privacy here?”

She gazed down at my member with an expression of indifference. “Oh, please! I grew up in a house with four brothers. There’s nothing you got that I ain’t seen already.” I knew that to stop the flow now would be uncomfortable, even painful. So I just kept going. After awhile she said, “Sheesh, how many drinks have you had?”

“Not nearly enough!” I quipped. “That’s why I wanna get back to the party as soon as possible.”

“Is that all you men can think about doing at parties.”

“What else is there?” I asked shaking off the last few dew drops from my lily.

“I can think of one,” she said smiling mischievously. “Come on! Shake a leg, cowboy. You gotta see this amazing bed in the other room.”

I zipped up. Dropped the seat cover. Flushed. Washed my hands and then dried them before saying, “Lead the way.”

I wasn’t surprised to find that the bedroom was pink and frilly. The bed was enormous and oval-shaped. There were gold spiral columns evenly spaced along the circumference.

I pointed at the columns. “I think they must have run out of pink paint at this point?”

Nikki threw herself backward onto the bed. “Isn’t it just divine?”

“What it is - is pink!”

“Oh, I think it’s so romantic.”

“I believe the word you’re looking for is…tacky!”

“Tacky?”

I pointed at the ceiling. “The only thing missing is a mirror – up there!”

“Ooh, I do love the way your mind works. I would love to have a mirror above my bed. Wouldn’t you like to watch yourself while you make love? I would.” After a short deliberation she placed her hands behind her head and asked, “Do you want to know what really turns me on?”

“Really? No?”

“I’ll tell you. You wanna know why I did what I did at Club 501? I love it when a man looks at my naked body and I can see the desire…the lust burning in his eyes.”

“I’m sure Steve will be doing a lot of that in the future?”

She sat up. Her expression was one of having eaten something bad or sour. “It’s not gonna be the same anymore.”

“Yeah, now that it’s legal it ain’t so fun and exciting anymore, hey?”

“No!” Then like a typical woman she changed her mind. “Yeah,” she said pushing out her bottom lip again. “You’re right. Why are you always so damned right?”

“’Cause I’m the boss, and the boss is…”

“Always right!”

“Right! Let’s get back to your party now. People are probably wondering…”

“Do you know what I always wanted to do? But now that I’m married, I’ll never have the chance. Steve is such a prude. So prim and proper. If he really loved me he would help me to fulfill my fantasies.”

“I don’t know any men that would allow their wives to have two men at once.”

“Wha…? How did you know what my…”

“I told you, ‘I know what you’re capable of.’”

“Was! Not anymore! I wouldn’t dream of doing it now!”

“Sure?” I said and walked out the room.

“Wait!” she shouted after me.

“What now?”

She pointed to a large, clear cellophane wrapped basket on the couch. “Look!” she said peeling away the wrapping. “The hotel gave us a complimentary basket of goodies.” She removed a large bottle of champagne. “Want to share it with me?”

“That privilege and honor belongs to Steve.”

“Fuck Steve!”

“Exactly! That’s what you need to do right after the champagne.”

“You made all this possible!”

“That doesn’t mean that Steve wasn’t capable of…”

“Steve told me about the check.”

“What check?”

“The check for fifty thousand dollars.”

“I hope you both make good use of it.”

“I want to thank you.”

“My pleasure.”

“No! I want to thank you.”

“Eh?”

“Can I give you a kiss?”

“I…dunno?”

“Come on, all the guys get to kiss the bride. We’ll be killing two birds with one stone.”

“How’s that?”

“You get to kiss the bride, and I get to say thank you for all you’ve done for me…us!”

“Fine.”

“Great!” she exclaimed. I held her at arm’s length but she forced her way forward. “Stop being so damned cautious and afraid.” Then she grabbed my head with both her huge hands and planted her lips solidly against mine. An instant later her tongue was snaking around the inside of my mouth.

“Whoa,” I said pushing her away. “Behave yourself, Nikki.”

“Oh, stop fretting. Haven’t you ever been to one of those fairs where a lady was selling kisses for a buck a hit?”

“Yeah, but she never tried to tickle my tonsils while she was at it.”

“Well, that’s the difference between a one dollar and a fifty thousand dollar kiss.” I shouldn’t have grinned, but I couldn’t help myself. “I do believe that’s the first time I’ve seen you smile today, Mister Crane. It suits you. There’s hope for you yet.”

“I wish I could say the same about you.”

“Uh-uh!” she scolded waving her finger under my nose. “Don’t forget that it’s bad luck to say bad things about the bride.”

“Come on! Let’s go!”

“Oh, dear!”

“What?”

“I really do need to pee now.”

“I’ll send Mel up.”

“Don’t be silly. I can do this by myself. Don’t go. It would be improper to let the bride wander about unescorted.”

“Move your arse then.”

She saluted. “Yes sir!” Then she disappeared into the bathroom.

I read the card on the complimentary basket while she made a lot of grunts and groans in the bathroom. After a while I heard the muffled sound of her tinkling. When it stopped I shouted, “Shake a leg, cowgirl.”

There was a flushing sound followed by the basin taps running. A few seconds later she stood in the bathroom door and said, “Huston, we have a problem.”

“What now?”

She swung her garter around her finger. “It faw down!”

“So, put it back on?”

She scrunched up her face and whimpered. “Not so easy. Need help. Pretty please.”

I grabbed it out of her hand. “Which leg?”

“I forget. Doesn’t matter. Anyone.” She kicked off her fancy shoes. “That’ll make it easier for you.”

“How did it get past your shoes in the first place?” I put my hands under her dress and felt around till I found her foot. “Lift!” I commanded.

“Stop being so…aloof. Get under there where you can see what’s going on.”

“Lift your foot!”

“No! Get under there!”

“Alright then, dammit!” It took me some time to make my way into the centre. I sat flat on my backside between her towering legs. The light was subdued, but I could see clearly enough. I heard her laughing. I grumbled, “What’s so damned funny?”

“Your shoes are sticking out the front of my dress. It looks real crazy.

“Yeah, I bet Steve would find it very amusing too? Lift!”

She lifted her left leg and I slipped the garter over her foot and placed it around her calf. “How’s that?”

“Don’t be silly. It’ll just fall down again. Put it above my knee!”

I moved it just above her knee. “And now?”

“No, it needs to be higher! It still feels loose!” I moved it halfway up her thigh. She commanded, “Higher! As far as it’ll go.”

“O…kay! Your wish is my command.” By then, my pupils had dilated sufficiently to see more clearly, and it was only at that moment that I noticed she was missing an important item of clothing. “Ah, shit! Nikki, you are so fucking…evil!”

“What?” She asked in a pretense of ignorant innocence. “What’s wrong?”I could hear the smile in her voice.

“It would seem that something else faw down around here. Did you forget to put something back on after your pee?”

“Not at all! It feels so much better this way. Are you shocked?”

“If it were anybody else, maybe. But not with you.”

“Anyhow, who’s gonna know besides you and Steve what I’m missing.”

“What you’re missing is scruples.”

“Don’t worry yourself none, honey! I been taking my screw pills real regular like.”

I laughed. “I don’t think Steve will be too happy if he ever found out that I also knew why his blushing bride was blushing.”

“Who’s gonna tell him?”

“Neither of us, I hope.”

“Exactly! So stop fussin’ and get fixin’”

“Yes, ma’am!” I pushed the garter up as far as it would go. “That’s it! It can’t go any higher. Steve is gonna have a lot of fun trying to find it all the way up there.”

“What about you?”

“Eh?”

“I bet it was a lot of fun putting it all the way up there?”

“I can’t say that I found the experience totally without pleasure. It is certainly something that I will remember with a degree of fondness for the rest of my life. Now I finally understand what Meatloaf was referring to when he sang, ‘I can see paradise by the dashboard light.’”

“Thank goodness for that. I was beginning to think you might be gay?”

“No chance of that, my dear.”

“In that case, remember what I said earlier? ‘I enjoy having men see me in the nude.’”

“Yeah, well I bet I’m the first man to view you this way? And…my goodness me!”

“What?”

“It’s just that…well…” I paused.

“What?”

“I gotta admit that I’ve seen Mexican Hairless Chihuahuas with more…”

“It’s called a bikini wax, silly!”

“I guess the person giving it got more than just a little carried away?”

“It was all my idea. I was having the normal bikini-wax for the honeymoon. Then I remembered that there may be the possibility for some skinny dipping; maybe the chance to get one of those all-over tans. Don’t you just hate tan lines on a naked woman? So I decided to wax off the lot – everything! Stung like a bitch, but I think it was worth the pain! Smooth as a baby’s bum now! What do you think?”

“The important thing here is, what does Steve think?”

“He hasn’t seen it yet! I only had it done yesterday. It still itches like shit. Feels like a swarm of mosquitoes got under my dress and had a binge party up there. This is a beautiful dress but…hell!”

“But what?”

“You know the saying? ‘Nothing worse than having an itch you can’t scratch.’ It’s driving me up the goddamned wall. Taking off my panty helped a bit, but not much. Shit, I’d be very grateful if you could just…”

“Not a snowballs chance in hell, Nikki!”

“What’s the big deal? You already seen it, so what difference is a little…”

“There’s a sign up here that says, ‘Look, but don’t touch!’

“Shit! Steve must have changed it. It’s supposed to say, ‘Nice to look at! Lovely to hold! If you break it, consider it sold!”

“Well I guess he musta broke and bought it then. It’s all his now. Lock, stock and bikini wax!”

“Please! Just a little around the…”

“I said, ‘No!’ So stop your shit, okay.”

“Oh, fine! Well then you’re more than welcome to stay there and admire my…itchings for as long as you like. Enjoy reveling in my suffering!”

“I appreciate the offer, but I’ve seen more than enough, thank you. Far more than I had any right or intention to!” I crawled out from under her dress. “Isn’t there one of those long back-scrubbers in the bathroom? You could use that?”

“No, thank you very much! The cleaning maid might have used it to clean the privy!” I must have looked a bit disheveled because she said, “Shit! Just look at you now? We can’t have you giving any speeches looking like that. What would the guests think?”

“Probably that I’d been crawling around under the bride’s dress trying to fix her garter in place.”

We both laughed and then she pulled off my tie. “Why is it that men wear ties, but women know how to tie a knot better?”

“Maybe because you like to be tied up with them?”

“Did I tell you that I love the way your mind works?” She pushed me into the bathroom and stood me in front of the large mirror. Then she moved behind me and proceeded to retie the knot. “Much better,” she said as she slid the knot up towards my neck. “Having four brothers has its advantages.” Then she clicked her tongue and pulled at my shirt. “Look at this as well. You’re hanging out all over the show. You look like some forlorn street kid.”

She turned me round to face her and started to undo my belt. “Whoa, Bess!” I said holding her hands. “I can do this myself.”

“Relax!” she chided with such a harsh tone that I immediately released her hands. She loosened my belt and let my trousers fall to the ground. Then she proceeded to pull my shirt down around my waist. She pulled the front of her dress forward and fell onto her knees. “Here’s the problem she said pointing to the bottom of my shirt. You’re missing a button. She lifted the bottoms of the shirt to the sides. “See?” Then she added, “Ooh, you better be more careful with that, Tarzan. You could put out somebody’s eye!”

I looked down. There was a bulge in the front of my briefs. I felt my face reddening. “Uh-huh, well we can’t do a damn thing about that now. Just tuck it in as best you can.” She laughed and I quickly added, “I don’t like the way your mind works. I was referring to the shirt.”

“And I wasn’t laughing about that,” she said squinting at the bulge in front of her nose.

“Then what?” I growled.

“Why are you suddenly so aggressive? My God, you’re blushing. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of just because Johnny here got a little excited while you were checking out my Mexican Hairless Chihuahua. I told you I like turning men on. I feel… flattered.”

“With you it’s more about power than pride!”

“Well, okay! Maybe a little of both!”

“So, what was it that you found so amusing then?”

“Your hair! It’s all over the place.” I looked into the mirror. She was right, it was a mess. I started using my fingers to comb it straight again. She pointed to a hairbrush in front of the mirror. “We can save some time if you use that to fix yourself up there while I fix you down here.”

I leaned forward and picked up the brush. For a moment I felt her hot breath through the material. It excited me. “I hope the maid hasn’t used it to clean the privy?” I said moving back quickly.

“Don’t be silly! It’s mine!”

“I thought you had yours waxed?”

She laughed before saying, “Experience has taught me many things!”

“Yeah, like what?”

“Well, for one – it’s very difficult for a hard man to keep on playing at hard-to-get.”

“You think I’ve been playing hard-to-get with you?”

“Uh-huh!”

“That’s totally ridiculous!”

“Is it?”

“Of course!”

“Well, let’s test my little theory shall we!”

“And just how do you intend to do that?”

The whole time I had been watching my reflection while brushing my hair.

It happened so fast and unexpectedly that I never had time to voice a single syllable in protest or appreciation. Her swift action had stunned both my body and its vocal functioning into a surprised state of inactivity. For the longest time Nikki used my temporary condition to press her advantage to the full.

In one swift motion she had pulled down my briefs and moved her head forward. I had felt the hot wetness of her enormous mouth envelope me, and I knew instantly that this woman, who never took no for an answer, had finally gotten her way.

Men much stronger than me would have failed. Somewhere in the back of my head I remembered a tagline from an old advertisement. I couldn’t remember what it was that was being advertised, but the saying went, ‘Just one bite and all resistance crumbles.’

I had believed I was strong, but Nikki had proven me wrong; very, very wrong!

The CEO of a multibillion dollar company was no more than a puppet. And this woman was having a field day pulling the strings.

Ironic that the one kneeling was the one wielding all the power.

I had thought myself to be Steve’s friend. I had never imagined it possible that I could ever betray his trust. Especially not like this – never like this! I had believed that no woman would ever be able to make me deceive my once true and only trusted friend. And yet, that reflection in the mirror was a blaring revelation of my serious miscalculation and delusion.

After some time I managed to regain some of my composure. I blinked frantically as I watched the back of her head in the mirror. It moved rhythmically with a calculated determination that only comes with much experience.

This woman was good at being bad! She knew it, and she also knew that I knew it!

I eventually found the strength to mutter, “Not good, Nikki! This is not good at all!”

She leaned back and smiled. “Really? Well that’s not the idea you’re giving me down here. Your mouth says one thing but your body’s saying the exact opposite. She licked her top lip and added, “I’ll stop if you want? Just say the word and we’ll get back to the party?”

“You shameless bitch!”

“What? Don’t tell me you still hate me after…”

“More than ever!”

“I’ll just have to keep trying to change that wonderful mind of yours then.” She moved forward again.

She knew that she had me by the short and curlies – almost literally. She knew there would be no turning back for me now.

A few more minutes later she leaned back again and smiled up at me. “I thought you knew what I was capable of?”

“You’re right! This is way beyond my expectations of even you. Shit! You’re barely married a few hours and look at what you’re doing? Have you no shame?”

“I’m just proving to you that my theory is correct!”

“Fine, you made your point!”

“I’m not done yet! It gets even better,” she said standing up. “If you want to find out how, I’ll be waiting in the bedroom. I’ll be continuing with the lesson over there!” She walked out of the bathroom.

“You’re a shameless slut!”

“I just love it when a man talks dirty to me!”

I hung my head despondently. “What the hell am I doing? What have I gotten myself into here?” I asked myself. “This is sooo wrong.” I pulled up my trousers and stared at myself in the mirror. “What the hell are you doing? You know that woman is nothing but trouble. Get the hell out of here now!” Then a thought crossed my mind. It seemed like a good, logical notion at the time. I pointed at my reflection. “You know darn well that this marriage won’t last a year. So you might as well make the best of an already gone-bad situation. ‘Better to be sorry for what you’ve done than to be sorry for what you could have done.’

“That’s a wonderful philosophy Mister Crane.

“I know.

“Did you think it up yourself?

“No, I first heard it from Frankie Hollywood a long, long time ago.

“He must have been a great guy? Very wise?

“Actually he was a sleazy greaseball.

“And you’re not?

“Of course not! No?

“Even though you’re about to screw your best friend’s wife…on their goddamned wedding day?

“It’s complicated.

“Well, if you must - you must?

“I must!

“Won’t you feel really bad after? Are a few moments of pleasure worth it? Didn’t your granpappy warn you there would come a time like this? Didn’t he give you the best advice on what to do at a time like this?

“Some things are easier said than done! Besides, it makes no difference now.

“Oh?

“Yeah, the damage has already been done. This…thing (And I’m not referring to my thing) is already out there. I can’t put it back now. It’s much too late already.

“Then make the most of it – enjoy yourself!

“I intend to! Yes siree, I surely intend to! Hoowhee!”

“What the hell kept you so long?” asked Nikki standing on top of the bed and holding onto one of the golden columns. “I almost thought you’d changed your mind.”

For a moment she made me think of that old movie poster of The Attack of the 50 Foot Woman. I gazed up at her and said, “Almost. I needed to have a little pep talk with myself first.”

“Well, I know how to keep that mind of yours focused. Nurse Nikki has the perfect remedy.” She narrowed her eyes. “Lie down!”

“Your wish is my command.”

“Trust me. Nurse Nikki knows best.”

I kicked off my shoes and lay down with my feet towards the pillows; my head was just off the edge. She pulled down my trousers and briefs again before straddling me.

Once again I found myself beneath her wide, bloated dress. Only this time it was my head that just protruded from the frilly edge. She laughed.

“Yeah, I know. I look kinda crazy!” She smiled and nodded, so I said, “I can imagine. I feel kinda crazy. I never done it with somebody in a wedding dress like this before.”

“You know what they say, ‘There’s a first time for everything.’” Then she smiled wickedly down from between her embroidered breasts. “Nurse Nikki will now demonstrate how to kill two birds with one stone.”

“How so?”

“I’m gonna scratch an itch and take your temperature at the same time.”

“Yeah? I don’t see any thermometer?”

“That’s because I’m about to use yours. And baby, it’s about to get really hot under there!” She lowered herself down and said, “Try to be a patient patient now. This is gonna be a bit tricky; not too unlike a blind man bobbing for an apple in a water-filled barrel. It’s in there somewhere, but he’s just gotta keep bobbing away till he finds it.” She found it on her third bob, and we both expressed our pleasure in unison.

“I’m guessing that you suddenly regret your hasty decision to get married?”

“Actually,” she said starting to shift herself rhythmically back and forth. “I think it was the best idea ever.”

“Oh?”

She closed her eyes and had an expression of gastronomic ecstasy. “Forbidden fruit always tastes far, far sweeter.”

“I was wrong about you. You’re not evil at all.”

“Oh?”

“No, you just have rather…unconventional ideas about sex. You may not be evil, but that doesn’t mean you’re right.”

“What then?”

“Uh, well, to put it mildly – very mildly – naughty but nice!”

“Exactly! That’s me, precisely! Steve doesn’t understand me like you do – yet! I can’t believe he’s almost ten years younger than you. He’s still so old-fashioned. It’s gonna take awhile, but I’ll eventually get his mind right. He just wants safe sex all the time.”

“Safe sex?”

“Not safe sex as in safe sex! I mean boring,…romantic love-making, dull bedroom sex. There’d be a lot less divorces if more married couples spiced up their life and got a bit more daring, a bit more…more…”

“Kinky?”

“Exactly!”

“Like the husband inviting his best friend over.”

“Not just that!” she said almost indifferently. “And I’m not talking about all that other whip and leather stuff either. I’m talking about making it exciting…dangerous. Having the possibility of being caught out?”

“But surely, then again, that would mean not having your spouse’s consent?”

“No. No! I mean like joining the Mile-High Club or doing it on the subway or in the changerooms of a clothing store or…or the rest room in a busy shopping mall.”

“That…does have a certain amount of…charm, I guess.”

“Of course!”

“Have you mentioned it to Steve?”

“Of course! Well sort of. One night after we had both had a little too much wine, I decided to run it past him.”

“And?”

“‘I dunno.’”

“Eh?”

“That’s what he said, ‘I dunno. Maybe with enough wine and under the right circumstances. I couldn’t say for certain. I really dunno.’”

“Did you ever have the opportunity to test it out?”

“Not yet. But I got lotsa time now. I’m sure there’ll be plenty wine and opportunities on our honeymoon. Oh, I can’t thank you enough for the honeymoon as well. I’ve always wanted to go to the Keyes. I hope we get a chance to do some of that skinny dipping I been going on about. It’ll be so great to get an all-over tan. It always looks so sexy and healthy. Actually, I’ve already had a few sessions on a tanning bed so I won’t burn sore when I eventually do get into the sun. I can’t wait! Knowing Steve, I’ll have to keep plenty wine on ice. Maybe I’ll even get him to make love to me on the beach! I can’t thank you enough!”

“I think you are.”

“I am what?”

“Thanking me more than enough for the honeymoon.”

She smiled. “Then I guess this must be the most expensive screw you ever had?”

“Apart from my two wives, yes!”

“I know you never been married.” She frowned. “Why is that? A filthy rich, handsome guy like you?”

“I can’t have kids.”

“That wouldn’t have bothered me at all. I would…would have married you in a flash. I love your mind and I love your money!”

“You must be the only honest woman I ever met. At least I know exactly where I stand…or lie with you.”

“Yeah, I bet you and I would have made our mark in every rest room between here and the Keyes.”

“There would still be two big problems if you and I had ever gotten married.”

“What’s that?”

“Firstly, I would no longer be the forbidden fruit.”

“A satisfied woman doesn’t need to visit another man’s orchard.”

“Secondly, and most importantly, good…great…or even the best sex in the whole wide world is not enough to keep a marriage together. After all, timewise, and even if the couples are highly active, and I do mean highly, their sexual activity would still take up far less than one per cent of married life.” I repeated and stressed again, “Yep, not even one per cent of married life! That leaves a helluva lot of time for bitchin’, arguing and all the rest; all the other wonderful things that go into making a happy marriage. Things like going out shopping on hubby’s credit cards. I guarantee you that that is way above one percent. Hell, if more people…if more men took that into consideration, there’d be a lot less marriages, and therefore a lot less divorces as well.”

“Why are you always the pessimist?”

“Realist!” I corrected.

“I did say that, ‘I love your mind,’ as well.”

“Whether that was being honest remains a mystery. I know that women will say…and do anything to get their way. Especially those that can never take no for an answer.”

“That’s not being a realist. If that was true, then we would be married.” Then she smiled again and asked, “So, how do you feel about me now? Do you still detest me so much?”

“Maybe just one per cent less,” I said grunting in delight.

“Well let’s see if I can whittle away some more of that…hostility, shall we?” She picked up the pace and I put my head back.

I closed my eyes in sheer bliss and smiled. “I am loath to admit that it seems to be working rather…splendidly.”

“Let me know when I reach a hundred per cent, okay?”

“You’ll know, alright. Trust me! You’ll know!”

“I’m looking forward with much eagerness to that…revelation. Just not too soon, I hope? Not soon, you hear?”

“I’ll do my very best, Nurse Nikki!”

I had only opened my eyes again about five minutes later. Nikki had cried out loudly, “Oh, God! Oh, God!” At first I proudly thought that I had achieved my goal of doing my very best, but then she added. “Steve? Oh, Steve!”

By my view, he was standing upside down in the bedroom doorway with an expression of utter shock and rage.

Nikki was off of me in a flash, and I had pulled up my briefs and trousers with equal swiftness.

I didn’t know what to say. “Steve…Steven, I…” The truth is that there is nothing you can say to a husband who has just witnessed another man screwing his newlywed wife of less than four hours.”

I am almost certain that if he had a gun, he would have shot us both dead right there and then.

Still, I had experienced a sense of great dread and anxiety as he reached inside his jacket.

But it was the check that he removed. Then, with an expression of unbridled malevolence, slowly and methodically tore it up.

“No!” cried Nikki, fool that she was, and started to pick up the pieces as they fell. “Stop! Are you out of your fucking mind? That’s fifty thousand dollars you’re destroying!”

After the last piece had fallen and been gathered, Steven Matthew Ferran turned and walked off. He hadn’t spoken a single word. And although there is much that a husband can say to the man who he has just witnessed screwing his newlywed wife of less than four hours, that action had said it all.

Loud and clear!!!

Nikki buried her face between a mass of pink frilly throw pillows on the front couch and began to sob bitterly.

“I’ll write you another check,” I said irritably.

She immediately stopped crying and looked at me with a puzzled expression. “What did you say?”

“I’ll write you another check - on one condition!”

“What?”

“First thing Monday morning I want your resignation on my desk. Most probably right next to Steve’s?”

“No!” she lamented and started to cry again. “Why?”

“Because you’re like runaway freight train. You do things without any thought of the possible consequences. Sooner or later you have to run out of track. In fact, you just did!”

“It’s not fair!”

“What we did to Steve wasn’t fair. Not even finding you in bed with two guys can compare to this!”

“Please, I’m begging you…”

“No! I never wanted you at Global in the first place! It’s so goddamned ironic. I did everything possible to keep you two apart.” I suddenly laughed loudly and scornfully. “I guess I finally managed to get it right, now!”

“You’re right! Steve and I weren’t ever meant to be together. Can’t you see it?”

“I don’t believe it!”

“What?”

“You’ve just screwed up your marriage – literally. And you think you can rescue the situation by…making moves on me?”

“I never…”

“It’s what you were thinking? Come on! Admit it? Let’s hear some of that painfully true honesty of yours?”

Surprisingly she obliged – in aces too!

“Alright, I admit it. It’s you I like…love. It’s always been you! I don’t know why I chose to marry Steve? Maybe it was for security; maybe it was to stay close to you; maybe it was to make you jealous; maybe it was all of those. Whatever foolish notion it was, it wasn’t because I loved him, or even because of good, great or best sex.

“Hell, there are a billion women out there who would love to marry a billionaire. But there’s only one who’s honest enough to admit that the money’s important!”

“So, if our roles were switched. If Steve was the boss, and I was the employee – who would you want to marry?”

There was no hesitation in her reply. “Steve, of course!” Then she managed a weak smile. “But it’d still be you that I really want to screw!” She gazed towards the bedroom door. “I never did get you to a hundred percent. The horse is outta the stable. Hell, he’s over the hills and far away already. “Are you game?”

“There really is only one of you. And I’m not referring to your unique Unikki physique.”

“Come on?”

“No, goddammit!”

“Why not?”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, I kinda had my mind changed.”

“And I know just how to change it back again.”

“I’m well aware of that, but I owe Steve. There’s nothing I could say or do to make him forgive me – ever! The party’s over, so I’ll at least have the decency to tell the guests.”

“Why? It’s all paid for. Let them enjoy it while we enjoy it!” She winked and nodded towards the bedroom.

“You really are way beyond my estimations of what you’re capable of doing. Fortunately, I know my own limitations.”

“Are you sure about that. I can help you move the fence back a little…or a lot?”

“That’s true. Today, I learned more about myself than I did about you. And I learned volumes about you.”

“Disappointed?”

I thought deeply for awhile. “There have been other issues at stake here today. Matters of life and death – literally! That’s why I was so upset earlier. I can’t tell you the damage that you...we’ve done. It’s not your fault…well, not entirely. You wouldn’t understand. Let’s just say it’s strictly confidential.”

“I think I understand?”

“Yeah?”

“Steve’s been working on another one of those top secret projects and now you’re expecting that he’ll resign before it’s completed?”

“I couldn’t have said it better.”

“No wonder you’re firing my ass. I probably just cost Global its next billion?”

“I’ll make a deal with you.”

“Yeah?”

“If Steve decides to stay at Global, then I want that sexy ass of yours off the premises for good? If he resigns – you can stay?”

“That doesn’t make any sense!”

“I don’t want you around as a constant reminder to him.”

“I’ll transfer to another department.”

“Either way, you’ll be doing that.”

“No! Not when I can have you all to myself.”

“Exactly! I don’t want you getting any further ideas about upsetting Steve – intentionally this time.”

“Anyway who says he’s gonna divorce me? You’re very sure about future events?”

“You have no idea, honey! I’m hardly ever wrong about these things!”

“Oh, yeah? You also got some fancy time machine at Global that nobody knows about?”

“Nah, but I got plans to build one. And if you screw up any more of my plans, you’ll also find yourself out on that sexy ass of yours.”

She stood up from the couch. “You wanna see that sexy ass?” That expression of having eaten something bad or sour had returned as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. “I think I hate this dress now? Unzip me!” I obliged and she let it fall to the ground. She stepped away from the giant frilly flower that she had created on the floor and undid her bra. She let it fall and placed a foot up on the couch. Apart from the garter, she was totally naked. “Can I use your cell?”

I tossed her my phone and she dialed a number. I heard a young woman’s voice answer. Then Nikki said, “It’s me Mel!...I’m still upstairs!...No, I’m fine!...Steve?...Uh, yeah he’s here with me!...Don’t be silly, why would he do that? You know we’re staying here tonight?...No, he just went to park it in the parking bay! He’s here with me, right now!...Why?...No, he just had too much too fast! I’m sure he’ll be feeling better soon, especially with Nurse Nikki’s healing touch!...No, we’re not!...Uh-uh, we’ve decided to call it a day! We’re retiring early! That’s why I’m calling! I need you to tell everyone to have a good time, and that we decided to quit the festivities earlier than expected. Tell them Steve couldn’t wait any longer!...The Best Man?...Uh, yeah, I know! But he had an important meeting. A big business deal that couldn’t wait!...That’s why I’m asking you!...I know! But the meeting was more important than a silly old speech!...Don’t use that language! Don’t forget who paid for everything?...Yeah, and so you should be!...Tell everyone we thank them for coming and that under no circumstances are we to be disturbed. Not even if the hotel is burning down. Besides, we might be the ones who started the fire – if you get my meaning?...That’s more like it! Now go have some fun yourself. I saw a few good-looking single guys you can make some moves on!...Who?...Who?...He was much too old for you! Besides, I already told you he’s my property, sister! You keep your paws far away from my men, okay?...Listen, honey, haven’t you heard that the ring doesn’t close the hole!...Hey, you take that back, right now! Don’t you know that it’s bad luck to say anything bad about the bride on her wedding day?...Well it is!...You too! And like I always say, ‘If you can’t be good’…yeah, that’s right, honey…‘be good at it!’...I love you too! Bye!” Nikki pushed End Call and looked at me. “See, all fixed up! Oh, by the way, Steve left.”

“Yeah, I gathered that.”

“She says it looked as though he was ready to spit bullets!”

“Can’t blame him!”

“But you can’t!”

“Can’t what?”

“Leave! I told Mel you already left for an important meeting. If she sees you now, she might put two and two together.”

“A foursome? She’s more kinky than you! No wonder the two of you are such good friends!”

“You know what I meant. You stay far away from her. And I don’t just mean tonight!”

“Is that a bit of the green-eyed monster peeping out?”

“You stay the fuck away from her, you hear me?”

“Since when did the big boss become your sole property and sex slave?”

“You wish! Don’t flatter yourself!”

“Ah, I see!”

“See what?”

“If it’s not me then it must be…” I paused.

“Must be what?”

“Are you and Mel…?” I crossed my fingers and waved them about.

“Does that shock you?”

“Hell, no!” Hey, you’ve still got my phone there. “Push redial and get that little minx up here, now!”

“I already told you to stay the hell away from her! Besides she hates your guts for leaving the party so early when you were supposed to give a speech!”

“Come on? Life is all about give and take! And you just want to take all the time!”

“I said, ‘No!’ I don’t want you near Mel, not now – not ever! Have I made myself clear? What I do want right now is - you near me!”

“Relax! I was just pulling that sexy leg of yours.”

“Yeah?” she said moving her feet far apart and gazing down at her well-shaped legs. “So, which is the sexy one, then?”

“I would think that was obvious? Even if that garter is way too high!”

“Why don’t you come and…readjust it?” She pitched my phone back at me, and I caught it. Then she added, “With your teeth!”

“I love the way your mind works!”

“I know!” She slinked off towards the bedroom. “Well, if you’re leaving use the service elevator and entrance! But if you change your mind – again! You know where to find me. This is all paid for! It’ll be a sin to waste it!”

She was busy fluffing a pink frilly pillow when I popped the cork.

She jerked round. “God, you nearly gave me a heart attack! I almost thought Steve was back with a gun.”

“Shit!” I exclaimed watching the froth and pink liquid running over my hand. “You really do love pink!”

“Stop wasting the stuff and time!” She said stretching out her large frame sensually over the right-hand side of the bed and raising one knee to the side. She patted the open space beside her. “Who would have imagined the day would end like this? And I thought it was gonna be just a dull old romantic, wham bam, thank you, ma’am screw with Steve - again.”

I smiled impishly. “Again? You mean the two of you have already…no? I’m shocked speechless!”

“Stop your shit, and get over here!”

“I need a drink to soothe my nerves!” I kept my eye on her Chihuahua whilst taking a long draft straight out the bottle.

“Men!” she reprimanded sternly and pointed to the large dresser. “The glasses are over there on the bureau!”

“These?” I asked picking up the two long flutes and tossing them into the decorative fireplace.”

“That was very…Russian of you. But aren’t you supposed to do that after finishing your drink? Now what are we gonna use? Don’t tell me you’re planning on using one of my shoes?”

I put on my best Russian accent. “Nadia, my love, if men were meant to drink champagne out of glasses or shoes, then why did God give women navels?”

Her accent was better than mine. “Ooh, Boris, baby, have I ever mentioned that I love the way your mind works?”

“Never, but now would be a very good time to start,” I said pouring myself a drink. I watched the pink liquid foam and bubble.”

“That tickles!” she giggled. Then I purposely poured too much and watched as it snaked its way downward. “Oo-whee!”

“Quickly, cross your legs.” She obeyed and I watched as a pink bubbling pool formed over her bikini-waxed paradise. “Hmm, maybe pink ain’t such a bad color after all!”

“That feels kinda…hmmm…oooh…there’s a slight burning sensation, but I think I like it. Oh, my it’s very…”

“Think?”

“I love it!”

“I’m afraid your garter is now stained with a different shade of pink.”

“Your garter!” she corrected. “I want you to have it now.”

“A little keepsake for dear old Cornelius?”

“Yep!”

“I’ll put it around my bedside table lamp.”

“Promise?”

“What I do promise is this. Do not be concerning yourself too much about this clumsy spillage. I promise to remove every last drop.”

“Oh, yeah? You gonna licky sticky Nikki quicky?

“Oh, yeah. But not too quicky! You’ll just have to be patient. This is gonna be not too unlike a blind man bobbing for apples in a water-filled barrel. I know where they are. I know where to find them. It’s just a matter of time to find them all.”

“Well, you just bob away for as long as you like. Take all the time you need, cowboy. I’m in no hurry at all. This ain’t over till the fat lady sings. I don’t want the hotel to think they made a mistake putting their bridal suite at the end of the corridor. I wanna, at the least, disturb a few guests tonight.”

“I think we’ve disturbed more than enough for today!”

“No way, Jose! I told you I was gonna make music tonight, and I’m turning the amps all the way up to eleven.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “I don’t think you’re the type that prefers a frigid mute in the bedroom? No, you wanna show the neighbors you know how to give a gal a good time. So get bobbin’ already. There are apples to be found.”

“I intend to, babe. I made a promise. Every last one!”

“Hmm, one can’t help but ask, ‘How’s them apples, buster?’”

“Babe, on any given day of the week this is gonna beat, hands down, drinking it out of your shoe.”

This morning we had breakfast sent up.

The hotel waiter had given me some strange looks.

I wasn’t sure if it was because of the level eleven noises or the fact that the groom had undergone a radical physical change?

Anyhow, he seemed to relax after I slipped him a $50 gratuity.

I was getting dressed when Nikki asked, “Will I see you tomorrow?” Her moon shell had turned into an octopus; she peered droopy-eyed at me from between the drooping tentacles.

“Nope.”

“Why not? Are you still planning on firing my ass?”

“We’ll talk when you get back.”

“Back?”

“From the Keyes.”

“What?”

“It’ll also be a sin to waste that. It’s also all paid for, remember?”

“Of course, I just thought that…” She suddenly beamed, “Are you coming along?”

“Nah, I got stuff to take care of. You go have a good time. Get that all-over tan you been going on about.”

“By myself? That’s gonna be so lonely?”

“Knowing you, I don’t think you’ll spend a single night on your lonesome.” We both laughed. “Go on! Have some fun! If Steve’s not waiting for you when you get back – your job will be.”

She hugged me. “You’re a great guy, Corn! Shit, all that money wasted. Your best friend hates you, and you still…You’re the best!”

“What I probably am…is dead?”

“Bah, Steve would never do anything so drastic.”

“I know! It’s what he was supposed to do that could mean my end.”

“That doesn’t make any sense?”

“It’s…complicated.”

“Whatever Steve was supposed to do for you, I’ll make it up to you.”

“Honey, no amount of good, great or even the best sex, will ever be able to make it up.”

She smiled. “Can I at least try?”

“We’ll talk when you get back.”

On the way out I made a brief stop in the bathroom.

I had looked at myself in the large mirror and lamented, “Sorry gramps! I just screwed up real bad - again. When it comes to women, I just never seem to learn. Yep, once again women…a woman has managed to screw up my life real good – literally and figuratively.”

My gifts were meant to be a lever to get Steven’s approval and friendship. Instead, they only encouraged the wrong party to take a larger and inappropriate interest in me.

In so doing, I have lost Steven’s trust and friendship forever.

The implications are phenomenally tragic.

As I mentioned in the beginning, ‘My foolishness may well have cost me my life.’ Without Steve’s input, what are the chances of me now building a proper, functioning Consciousness Projector on my own?

Only Time will tell!!!

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