Emily's Seams
Chapter 16: Hold My Hand

I was standing in line when someone took my hand. I was so surprised that I didn’t pull away immediately. It was Robert.

I untangled my hand from his and looked back at the counter ahead of me.

“Sorry.” he mumbled.

I looked over at him. His eyes were downcast.

“Hey, I just...we work together, Robert.”

I had just hurt him. Without really even trying.

“It’s okay. I’ll see you around.” And he left.

I was at the front of the line for Nancy’s coffee stand. She was gunning me down.

“What you want?” she squawked.

“A latte.”

She pounded the cash registers keys until it spit out an arbitrary four dollar and twenty one cent total.

“Hey, Nancy, what does Robert usually get?”

I set the hot chocolate with extra whipped cream down beside him.

“Look Robert, I’m sorry.”

He looked up at me and nodded. “Yeah, it’s okay.”

He wasn’t okay.

“I’ve got a lot to get done after missing work yesterday. I’d better get to it. Thanks for the coffee.” he said.

I left his office with the peace offering not having done much besides lighten my wallet.

I sat at my desk all day and barely did anything. No one talked to me, which I was normally okay with. Today I just felt alone.

It was six days before I went back to Creekside. Robert had politely avoided me all week and by Sunday I was craving talking to someone besides Mr. Puggums.

I filled my bag with candies, drinks and other disgusting snacks that living people really shouldn’t eat anyways. I grabbed a newspaper for Doug and a couple weekly gossip magazines for Francine and Dolly.

My stomach cramped up as I made my way to the old hospital. I didn’t know what to expect of Dolly. Had my lie done more harm than good?

Angus wasn’t waiting there when I arrived. I thought about leaving but then I realized the sad truth that I had nowhere to go and no one to be with. I’d made sure of that.

I sat down on one of the old beds. It sagged dangerously. I was sure it was going to give but despite the protesting of the rusted springs, it held me. I grabbed a pop from my bag and one of the magazines. I checked my cell phone at least five times in ten minutes before a strangely interesting article about conjoined twins took my attention from it.

“Well, hello there.”

Angus stood a few feet away. How long had I been reading? The day’s light was fading and I was long done that first article.

“Hey. How long have you been there? I didn’t hear you at all.”

He smiled. “Maybe your thoughts were just buzzing too loudly.”

He was probably right. When I had first found this place, there was nothing in my life to think about. Now there wasn’t just something. There was someone. And I had already hurt him.

“Hey now, what’s the matter?”

I suddenly realized I had almost started crying. “Nothing. I brought the paper and some magazines, a few snacks.” I grabbed my bag and stood up.

Angus smiled. “You don’t have to bring us anything. Just come by.”

“Yeah, well, too late.”

He waited for me to go through the open wall first before following in behind me. I didn’t know what to expect of Dolly and if I was honest about it, I hadn’t been expecting, or even hoping for the best, but it came along anyways.

“Emily! You sugar pie! Come on over and play a game of Scrabble with us!” Dolly said happily. She was beaming.

My breath caught in my throat. “Dolly, you look so...happy.”

“Well yessir, it’s some kind of magic what you did for us. Everything just feels a whole lot better now.”

I looked over at Angus. The contrast between him and the others was shocking. It was like they all walked around in their own spotlights and he just stood back in the shadows.

I played a game of Scrabble with them and won despite being accused of making up six words. It was nice being around them again. Being around anybody.

“Alright, I think it’s time I got going. I’ll try to come by again soon. Any requests?”

“Chocolate cake!” Dolly nearly jumped out of her seat. “Oh, I love chocolate cake, but I hadn’t had none since my twelfth birthday. Had to keep the figure trim, you know! Don’t really matter now!”

I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Okay, I’ll find some. See you later guys.”

Angus came over to the wall with me. He got in close like he had some secret to tell. “Em? You know that stuff you gave me? The dope?”

“Yeah, Angus. Giving up on your cigarettes for some herb?”

He chuckled. “No, no. It’s just that it seems like kind of a social drug to me. Want to smoke the other one with me?”

I laughed suddenly. “What? Seriously? Now?”

“Well, sure. If it’s not too dark out.”

I just looked at him. First time I’d ever actually considered smoking weed was with a geriatric spirit stuck in purgatory. Figures, I always had to do things the hard way. Or at least the strange way. “Okay, yeah. Let’s try it out,” I said. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

Angus followed me out of the room and we each took a seat on the closest rusty bed. Angus pulled the plastic baggie out of his pocket and the revolver lighter from his other. He got the joint going and sucked back on it like it was a straw feeding up a thick milkshake.

He squinted his eyes and held a lung full of smoke back as he passed me the joint. “The kids here have to relight it a bunch of times before it’s done. Kind of a pain in the ass if you ask me, but what the hell.”

I had never smoked this stuff before, but like Angus, I’d seen enough people doing it to have a good idea how to fake it. My lungs took in the thick smoke as a poor excuse for oxygen. It burned. I started coughing and couldn’t stop.

Angus was laughing at me. I passed him back the joint as I continued to hack away. I heard the click of his lighter and saw him sucking back on it like a pro.

“As if you’ve never done this before,” I wheezed.

He chuckled. “Guess it’s like drinking scotch and then switching to rye. Same shit, different pile.”

He passed me back the joint and I steeled myself for another burning experience. Wasn’t as bad the second time but I started coughing anyways.

I suddenly stopped. “Angus. How can we do this? We’re passing this back and forth. No offence or nothing but you’re...kind of dead.”

Angus laughed and reached for the joint. “I brought some of the food out of the room with me, thinking it would just drop from my hands. But nope, just like the smokes, I can hold it. I have no idea how it works but...”

He took a long, hard drag. The end of joint was glowing.

“...I’m not gonna argue with it.”

He handed it back to be to me and sure enough, my fingers took hold of something real. I stared at Angus for a minute, probably long enough to be considered rude and then I poked him with my finger.

It felt like freezing water.

“Huh,” Was all I could say. We continued to sit there for some time, not really minding the silence.

“So tell me, Em. What’s got you down?”

“What?”

“When you came here today, you had that look like somebody had just shit in your cereal. What happened?” Cool, easy-going cowboy. He was asking, but it was hard to tell if he really cared if he got an answer or not.

I found that I didn’t care. Didn’t really matter what I told him. He wasn’t even alive. “I was fucking this fantastic boy last Sunday and this Sunday I’m sitting in an old hospital, smoking dope with you. No offence Angus, you’re great.”

He didn’t say anything. Part of me knew I should have been embarrassed about what I’d said, or at least curious as to what he was thinking, but I was neither. It was all good.

“Well, why the hell aren’t you there fucking him tonight?”

I was staring straight ahead and seriously considering not replying at all. It seemed like a lot of work. “I just...didn’t want to hold his hand.”

“Now that’s just odd. Not saying I’m old fashioned or nothing but anytime I made it with a girl I had to hold her hand. What you got against it?”

“Nothing. We work together. I just didn’t want anyone talking shit.”

“Fuck ’em. Do what makes you happy, Em. If you tell him you’re sorry and you mean it, he’ll fuck you again.”

A snort of laughter jumped out of me. “Yup, that’s all he’s good for.”

Angus started laughing too. Before I knew it we were both on the floor, howling.

“Who are you talking to?”

I stood up suddenly. In the doorway were two young boys looking at me like I’d completely lost it.

I looked at the wall and saw Angus stepping into his little white room which of course those boys had no idea even existed. He waved to me with a big stupid grin on his face. It was clear he thought it was hilarious how crazy I must have seemed at that moment.

“I...uh...here.” I held out the burning joint I was pinching. “Take it.”

“Whoa, seriously? Thanks!” The older looking boy said appreciatively.

“Yeah, don’t mention it. No, really don’t. I’d probably get thrown in jail for this. Be safe guys.”

I grabbed my bag and ran out into the cool night. The sky was clear and for a few, lovely moments I stared up at the big moon. It looked like it was smiling.

I dug through my bag and found my cell. Still no missed calls. Angus was right. I had to try.

I looked through the last number to call me and dialled it. No one ever called me, so it could only be Robert.

“Hello?” He sounded tired.

“Oh shit, did I wake you?”

“Em? No, it’s only...one a.m. It’s okay. What’s up?” he said groggily.

“Look, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. Last week really meant a lot. I guess I just....I just got scared about what people would think. You know I’ve built up this wall and I just didn’t know what I’d do without it.”

He didn’t say anything.

“Okay, I’m sorry I woke you. And I’m sorry about not holding your hand.”

“Em, are you drunk?”

“What? No. Look, I just lost track of time. I had to call you. Just to let you know. Good night.” I hung up.

I raced through the woods and started in a slow jog back to my house. The cool air felt good on my toasted lungs. I stopped at the 7-11 and bought a water and some gum. Anything to get rid of this taste in my mouth.

As I rounded the corner to my house, I felt my heart stop. Robert’s car was in front of my building.

Somehow my legs pushed me across the street. He spotted me and got out.

“Em. I tried calling up to your place. It’s the only one with your last name but whoever answered was just really angry.”

“How long have you been waiting here?”

“Just a few minutes. Your phone just keeps going straight to voicemail.”

“Must have died.” I didn’t know what to say.

“I was worried about you. You didn’t sound like yourself on the phone.”

I nodded. “You mean nice was unexpected?”

He laughed. Thank God. “No, you sounded sick or something.”

“Oh, yeah. I was visiting someone that smokes. So gross, makes my throat hurt.” I shivered a bit.

“I should let you go up.” he said.

“We could sit and talk for a bit. I’d invite you up but my aunt’s probably still pissed about having to answer the buzzer.”

“That was your aunt?”

“Yeah. We could sit in your car?”

“Sure, yeah.”

I walked around to the passenger side and slipped into the front seat. As soon as he sat down I started in.

“I don’t have any friends. Like, any. I haven’t had a boyfriend since college and even then it wasn’t serious at all. I just...I guess I just don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with you. You kinda caught me by surprise.”

He smiled. “I care about you a lot. I really don’t care who at the lab knows.”

How? How did this happen? I had done nothing to Robert except be a frosty bitch and he was here. I tried to muster some disgust at his tolerance for abuse but I couldn’t. I wanted him to love me.

He put a hand to my cheek and stroked it. He leaned in closer and kissed me. My head swam, but I couldn’t tell if I was still high or just happy. My hands found his face and his shoulders.

I pulled away and crawled into the back seat. I pulled him over and wrapped myself around him. I didn’t care who saw us.

He pulled a familiar blanket around me as we did the best we could with the amount of space the backseat could afford us. I couldn’t complain.

I leaned against him and looked out onto the empty night. I didn’t want him to go anywhere but despite fucking him on a beach and in a car, I wasn’t ready for him to come upstairs. There was something almost sacred about the last place Julia had been and I wasn’t ready to give it up to another person. Not yet.

“If you hold my hand tomorrow, I promise not to pull away.”

I couldn’t see his face but his arms squeezed me.

“At least let me keep some of my decency by coming into work alone?”

He laughed softly and kissed my head. “Whatever you need.”

I spotted him as soon as I came into the coffee shop. He was third in line and looked dishevelled but happy. My stomach dropped and then rolled over a few times as I came up beside him, but I’d already decided that I was going to do this.

After I’d left Robert’s car last night, I floated up to my apartment. I was probably still high but I was also really happy. Before I fell into bed I wrote myself a note. It read Hold his hand tomorrow.

I looked down at my scrawling and knew that there was no way around this. I wasn’t stoned anymore and the glow of last night had faded away with sleep. But I still wanted to be around him. I still wanted him.

I threw out my hand to catch his without looking and grabbed a big handful of sweater instead. I quickly walked my hand down his arm and clutched his hand. His skin was so warm.

“Jesus, Em!” he yelped.

For a split second I wanted to retreat into my former self and tell him he was an idiot or something. I wanted to crawl into a hole so no one would ever find me again. I felt like I was made of little more than glass that was about to shatter.

He turned to me and wrapped his other hand around mine. He furiously rubbed my hand with his. “Your hands are freezing!” He looked at me and smiled.

My breath caught in my throat. I tried to say something but I couldn’t get it straight and then Nancy’s ear piercing bark ruined any train of thought that had been forming.

“You want a latte, Em?”

I nodded too enthusiastically.

He didn’t seem to care though. He smiled widely, paid for our overpriced drinks and even tipped Nancy.

“We’re here early. Do you want to sit for a minute?”

I nodded again, all too eagerly. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. I knew I was being ridiculous but I couldn’t stop myself.

We took a table by the window. I used to think it was stupid how people always wanted window seats, even when the window looked out onto highways or back alleys. But looking at the rather nondescript street that stretched out beside the cafe, I suddenly felt very grateful for a window seat. It felt like an unofficial emergency exit.

“I just about called in sick today, I’m so tired.” Robert said.

“Why do you like me?”

He sat up a little straighter and looked at me oddly for a second.

“No, really. I’ve been a complete bitch since I came to this lab. You’re not just nice to me, you actually like me. Why?” I didn’t think I could handle any response he could possibly come up with.

Yes, you’re right. You’re a complete bitch, I’m outta here! Or maybe I knew you were completely messed up and if I hit it at the right moment, you’d put out. Or perhaps I am masochistic.

Instead he smiled and said it was because I was pretty.

I didn’t go back to Creekside until that weekend. I came with a chocolate cake, paper plates and plastic forks.

Dolly was beside herself with delight. The cake was massive and yet she ate nearly half of it. No one minded though. This was a lifetime of self-deprivation coming to a chocolaty end and it was actually nice to see. I guess the fact that she couldn’t gain an ounce here was part of her ease but that wasn’t the point. I mean, you could learn that certain snakes were harmless and still be just as terrified of them.

Angus tried to keep up with the smiles and laughing but I could tell it was a fight. First Francine and Doug, and now Dolly. Something had changed. And me? I was alive and getting happy.

He stepped out of the white room with me and let it close up behind him before he started talking. I guess I knew this was coming. It was only a matter of time before he would get off his high horse and admit defeat.

“Look it, I know I gave you a hard time before. You know, about the whole looking up our deaths thing.”

“Yeah you did. But you were right. I was more than just curious.”

He nodded. “Yeah. Losing your mom and your sister would make that happen, I suppose. Trying to figure out where the hell they might have gone.” He paused for second and licked his lips. He didn’t want to ask but he had to. “Could you look me up?”

I nodded. “Sure thing, Angus. What’s your name?”

He looked so relieved. “Thanks Em. You’re a real sweetheart, you know that? Angus Joseph Brown. Last year I remember was 1986 and I’m pretty sure I was in Vancouver.”

“No kidding, eh? So you’ve heard of Huntsville then?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Didn’t want to say nothing but my own mother stayed in this joint.”

I felt my eyes grow wide. “Seriously? Did you know where you were before I told you guys?”

He shook his head. “No, she was in a room upstairs and I can’t make it that far. I only visited her here once and never came down this way. If it were possible, I probably would have shit myself when you told us where we were.”

“Small world, eh?”

“Tiniest little clusterfuck ever.”

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