Chain Gang All Stars
: Part 3: Chapter 55

They arrived. Tired from their lives and their truths more than from walking.

The Camp was some meters away from a canyon. At their feet was red earth, redder in the firelight, darker and darker toward the wide chasm of earth that contained the last remnants of a dying river.

They’d walked along the canyon for some time before reaching Camp. Staxxx had held her same place at six o’clock as they’d Marched, and it felt the same, although Thurwar told herself it was different.

It was a massive, sad relief to hear the Anchor announce:

BLACKOUT. March will initiate in fourteen hours.

“Well shit,” Ice Ice the Elephant said. “I’m glad for that at least.” He put one of his large hands on Thurwar’s shoulder and turned and walked to Staxxx, whom he hugged.

Thurwar found her dinner and, rather than bring it into the tent, opened the box of crispy broccoli, an organic roast chicken, and a brioche bun with truffle butter and aged Parmesan. She pulled the meal out and set the tray on her lap. She bit into the bun first before she twisted open a bottle of still water.

“BlackOut dinner,” Thurwar said. “Cheers.” She raised the bottle up and it shined as the light in her wrist split, reflected and refracted against the clear.

Staxxx sat down on an actual chair, across the way from Thurwar, a fire between them. A-Hamm together, they could speak and be heard only by themselves.

Thurwar drank her water, balancing her tray on her thighs.

The rest of the Chain stood around them, unsure, uneasy.

“Relax,” Thurwar said. “Have a seat. It’s BlackOut.”

Then Staxxx said, “Did something happen? You guys are stressing me out.”

And at this Gunny Puddles began to chuckle. He sat down and opened the box with his name on it. The others followed suit.

Thurwar tried to remember the men they’d killed just earlier in the day. How they’d seemed to find peace. She knew it was a convenient illusion, but it felt real. She hoped they would forgive her. She hoped whatever she did with Staxxx, there’d be forgiveness waiting for her.

She could feel herself shedding something. This resistance that had once defined her. A persistence, a hardness. She felt it slipping away. She was grateful.

“So what’s the plan?” Sai asked.

“You guys aren’t going to eat, huh?” Thurwar said.

She thought of what she’d seen and done with the humans around her and felt lighter than she had in a long time. The worst that could happen was here, and so she was taking a moment to be relieved. She stretched her knee out. Rubbed it some while balancing the tray. Let the taste of chicken fill her up.

“It’s not fair,” Sai said.

“It’s fucked,” Rico said.

“That’s the game,” Gunny said.

“It’s not right, but it already wasn’t,” Thurwar said.

“But this is—” Rico started, and Staxxx interrupted him.

“It’s a BlackOut, and you all are killing the vibes. Mac didn’t say suck my dick for no reason. This is what is here. This is what it is. And so for now, today, all I wanna know is”—here Staxxx leaned in toward the fire—“who y’all got?”

“Whatchu mean?” Rico said, though they all understood.

“It’s a simple question. And are you gonna spend the BP to watch us?” Staxxx pushed.

A-Hamm looked to Thurwar, as they did for so much.

“Answer her,” Thurwar said. She smiled, though some part of her felt a bleed. Already they were doing a kind of consoling. They were helping the Chain, releasing some pressure for them. Giving them the space to know with certainty that change was coming.

They were across the circle from each other but at least in this they were unified. Another performance. Something to make okay what never could be okay.

“You a great one, Miss Thurwar, but that one is the right kinda crazy with the reaper stick. I’ll watch and I’ll be in the premium seats for it,” Ice Ice said.

“I am pretty good with this thing,” Staxxx said. She petted LoveGuile’s head.

“I watched your first match in the E-block rec room when I was inside,” Sai Eye Aye said. “I’ve never seen anything like that. I knew from then Loretta Thurwar was seeing High Freed. Respectfully,” Sai added.

Staxxx laughed and Thurwar nodded.

Rico, who had actually gone from glassy-eyed to quietly crying, laughed at himself.

“It’s—it’s hard to beat Staxxx if she’s focused. I don’t even feel comfortable saying it. Fuck. Staxxx is tough if she’s serious.” He looked at the ground as he spoke.

“When am I ever not serious?” Staxxx asked.

The whole Chain laughed now.

“Exactly. I think Thurwar a year ago wins it. Right now, I can’t call it.”

Ice Ice the Elephant said, “Inside thirty seconds, Staxxx. Anything longer, Blood Mama reigns.”

“You guys sound like the ReVegas people. Sheesh,” Staxxx said.

“Thurwar,” Bad Water said.

“And Mac says Staxxx,” Staxxx said. “He just told me in my ear.”

“I’ve been an underdog before,” Thurwar said. The other Links began to eat, and they let their minds wander about the kinds of deaths that would unfold around them in a week’s time and in the weeks after. They stayed there in the warmth and light of the fire and Thurwar didn’t have to wonder if she’d done something good.

“I’m definitely gonna be up in the close boxes,” Sai said.

“Me too, if you spot me some BP,” Rico said to Thurwar.

“Ask Staxxx to front you since she’s so tough,” Thurwar said. Her laughter made the Chain relax further. So they laughed too.

“I’m saying, she’s just really a bad matchup for anybody.”

“Whatever,” Thurwar said. And they enjoyed her. They were proud to be led by the woman named Loretta Thurwar.

The night moved through itself, and when the feeling was that sleep was the only thing left to do, Gunny Puddles asked a question.

“While we’re all kumbaya, I’ve been meaning to ask: Why did you kill Sun? He was a sonofabitch, but he treated you like royalty. Why’d you do that to somebody of that kinda cut?”

Thurwar’s eyes found Staxxx. The night was cool and held the sharp sound of wind moving through the canyon like a low breath. A constant call to remind them it was there.

“He asked me to. I had to help him.”

The Chain heard this. The air held the sound of openness.

Gunny nodded. He didn’t challenge her further.

Here Staxxx got up and walked slowly toward the chasm, slowly in the dark toward the split in the earth. She left LoveGuile by the fire and walked away from the Chain.

Thurwar sat with the rest of them. She loved them, didn’t want to disappoint them. She hoped they knew it. When she looked up to where Staxxx had gone she could not see her.

Thurwar got up, her knee gently throbbing.

She couldn’t see Staxxx, so she walked faster in her direction.

She needed to see Staxxx that moment. She needed to.

And she did.

The glow of Staxxx’s wrists led Thurwar back to her. She was waiting at the canyon’s edge, the light coming off her body like a prayer.

“I made this, you know,” Staxxx said. She looked down, and the way she hovered over death made Thurwar’s heart seize.

“Made what?” Thurwar asked. She wanted to reach out and pull Staxxx back. But she could have just as easily pushed her over.

“This canyon. I was practicing one day and got a little excited and wham…went and cut a hole right in the world.” Staxxx leaned over the edge. Thurwar closed her eyes. Tried to let what would happen happen. Maybe this was the easiest way.

They were two of the greatest warriors the world had ever seen.

Thurwar reached her hand to the small of Staxxx’s back.

She grabbed the edge of her sweatpants and pulled her back toward her. They turned to face each other.

“I believe it,” Thurwar said.

“I don’t like thinking about either one of us without the other,” Staxxx said.

Thurwar brought Staxxx in closer, felt the look in her eyes and hoped Staxxx could feel her too.

“I don’t know why we have to do this. Let’s just leave together. Both of us.” Thurwar said the words and felt weary as she heard them in the air. “Why are you making us do this? It’s supposed to be us. Why are we going to the grounds?”

Thurwar had asked before; she knew she would not get to ask again.

“If I jumped right now, what would you do?” Staxxx said.

“I’d follow you,” Thurwar answered.

“And if you did I’d do the same thing,” Staxxx said. “And if Puddles came over and tossed a knife in my neck?”

The thought sent a hot wave through Thurwar’s body.

“I’d turn him to dust,” Thurwar said.

“And then what?”

Thurwar imagined standing over the mush she’d make of Puddles. “I don’t know,” Thurwar said, but she knew there’d be a fire, a hatred in her that would continue to swell, something that would need something else to eat.

“You’d kinda wanna go find his family, or at least his dog or something, right?” Staxxx said. Her voice smiled, but her face was mournful there in the dark.

Thurwar listened.

“I know we’ve sent a message in all this. And if we go to the grounds it gets to live in a different way.”

“How will it? I can’t—”

“Well, I can,” Staxxx said. “If they make me kill you, I know that I’ll spend the rest of my time trying to destroy them. You get it. I know you feel it.”

“I don’t. I won’t do it.”

“If you won on the grounds then at least I’d be—”

“If I killed you, then what? What would that do?” Thurwar had stepped even closer to Staxxx. She could almost feel the heat of her skin.

“It would make you stay. You’d find a way to turn them to dust. Or you’d try. You’d find Tracy, you’d become a part of something, and you’d work and work and work and maybe somewhere in that you’d forget me at least a little and live a little bit for yourself. I want you to have something to keep you here so that all you are can be out there for just a little longer. And you shouldn’t have to do anything, you’ve done so much, but I know you. You’ll try because that is what you do, and that will be something. That will be everything.”

“So I’m a messenger for you? What if I don’t want that?”

“You’re my message and I’m yours,” Staxxx said. “Whoever wins, it will be the same.”

Thurwar brought her hands up past Staxxx’s shoulders, held her head in her palms.

“Us,” Staxxx said.

“But what’s the message then? What message is worth all this?”

Staxxx took Thurwar’s wrists, squeezed them. Thurwar let herself cry.

“You’re right,” Thurwar said, “I know.” And she kissed her to let her know she was the best thing in her life and she wanted all the time they had left.

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