Doctor Penrith turned to his assistant and asked him. “Did I ever tell you about my trip to Africa?” The chubby faced man paused between samples, and replied in the negative. “Fascinating time, I will always remember the locals. The H’lawee tribe, fantastically proud pigmies, it’s a height thing. They would march through the elephant grass, with just their spears showing proclaiming, “We’re the H’larwee.” “Really.” The assistant was obviously unimpressed by his superior’s monolog.

“But I’ve always thought the smaller the individual, the greater need to prove one self. Take Napoleon for instance, only four foot two and conquered most of Europe.” Terrance Moorhouse, for such was his name interjected at this point. “What about circus midgets?” The doctor pondered this a moment. “They probably work it out, doing all that acrobatics and stuff. They can’t all be emperor wannabees.” The two men lapsed in to silence again, and continued the important war they were waging on the Viridans. They were mankind’s most fearful foe, to measure up to the human race in all its history.

Commander Pylori of the Viridans royal guard approached his emperor. “O mighty emperor the troops are ready for inspection.” “Very well lead the way, there’s a good chap.” The emperor leisurely strode behind his loyal general, who had vanquished the Quintana Empire in 2732. And valiantly quelled of the Tetani uprising, not long after. The mighty emperor Smegmatis the third, stood resplendent on the balcony of the royal palace. Then he addressed his loyal warriors.

“I salute you brave champions of the Viridans empire. You who will compete in the five hundred and third Vulnificus games, to show our supremacy of the world, and bring civilisation to the godless barbarians of the Jenjuni wastes. Now hence you to the Genitalium.”

As a body the brave combatants saluted their great emperor, and marched en masse to the stadium. Where so many would lose their lives, competing for the chance to fight the enemies of the glorious Viridans Empire. Typhi, a stout warrior from the south bristled with pride at being chosen for this honour. “Rattus you had better watch out, I feel we must meet in mortal combat. And you will not stand up to my strength and agility.” The other merely glanced back and jeered. “That’s if you don’t trip over yourself first.” Several round them chortled, as Typhi glared at his foe.

As the brave warriors approached the gates of the Genitalium, a giant of a guard stepped out of the portal. And in time honoured tradition, spoke the challenge. “Who approaches the Genitalium, that he may fight for the right to vanquish the ungodly foes; of the most glorious Viridans empire?” The battle-scarred warrior at the front stepped forth. “I Caulinodans will fight for my emperor Smegmatis the third, and the glorious viridans empire. May it last forever.” The guardian stood aside, and intoned the counter words to this utterance. “Then pass in to the arena friend.” And the first warrior entered, where only one would leave.

Stepping back in to place, the diligent guardian challenged the next combatant.

So each in turn entered the Genitallium. Until all were ensconced within the arena, named after the great champion of yore. Genitallium, the vanquisher of Megaterium. Then he forged the mighty Viridans Empire, back in the mists of time.

With all the combatants assembled, the lore master Durans addressed the proud warriors. “I hail you brave champions of the Viridans Empire, loyal servants of emperor Smegmatis the third. Today you enter the arena of Genitalium with heads held high. Before the sun sets on this prestigious monument, to the masterful warrior of yore. Who defeated the terrible Megaterium, then founded this great nation. One of your number will leave, with the right to vanquish our base foes in the Jenjuni wastes. Here now are the rules of combat. There are no rules of combat, you may begin.” Then he stepped back in to a safe haven, from the carnage that had begun.

Although some still took in his words, others charged with the rage of battle. Taking advantage of the moment, and instantly slew their nearest opponent. Typhi scanned the crowd for his most hated enemy Rattus, but he failed to see him in the melee. Then a stocky warrior Bovis squared up to him and shouted. “Die puny one.” And they locked in mortal combat. Typhi grappled his foe to the ground, and narrowly avoided a blow from a second opponent. But in the manoeuvre he lost his grip on Bovis, who took advantage of this respite to rain blows on Typhi; now beset on two fronts. He struggled up, and standing over his pugilistic opponent Typhi brought down such a blow; that Bovis fell dead at his feet.

Then he turned his attention to his other assailant. “Rickettsii you swine, sneak up on a warrior when his back is turned.” Typhi made a dive for the now backing off figure. He was too quick for Typhi, but not Melitensis a northern warrior. He dispatched the unsuspecting soldier, before advancing on Typhi. But Typhi had just spotted Rattus, and sidestepping his opponent, Typhi dove in to the melee Rattus was engaged in with Burnetii.

The two were evenly matched, and seemed to be in an endless struggle. But not to be denied his prize, Typhi came down hard on Burnetii from behind. And dispatched him much to the surprise of Rattus. The astonished warrior had a moment to word a stunned “thanks.” Then he was knocked sideways out of Typhi’s range, and the enraged warrior dove after this new battle. But now a new foe was besetting Typhi. As he fought off the blows that rained down on him, the crowd opened for a second to reveal the hated Rattus.

So charged with the injustice of losing his prey, Typhi turned to his new assailant Luteus. And attacked with such ferocity, that his opponent was soon backing in to a corner. Regretting not leaving Typhi to another foe. But Typhi relentless to the last, finally left Luteus a bloody mess lying on the floor.

Then catching his breath, Typhi found he was in an eye of the storm, as the battle still raged around him. Still he could still not see Rattus. Then he spotted Burnetti, a huge warrior bearing down on his prize. And Typhi jumped like a puma on the larger foe. He clung to his back, biting and kicking. While the other tried in vain to pull this fiend incarnate off. Then a blow from behind sent Typhi flying, and he rolled over before hitting a rock and falling unconscious.

He awoke in a daze, and realised the battle had passed over him. They must have thought him dead; he must have looked a mess. So he took the respite to gather his senses. He checked to see if he was seriously hurt. He thought not, and so he rushed back in to the fray. Typhi got to Aurantius just as he dispatched Melitensis. Then he finished the victor off with a hefty blow to the back of the head. He spotted Rattus again, this time engaged with Ferus in a wrestling hold. It was making Rattus’ eyes bulge. But a swift blow in Ferus’ side sent him flying against a wall, and Typhi took up the hold on Rattus who was panting on the floor.

As he now squeezed the life from his hated enemy, the last breaths of Rattus squeezed out. “If you kill me now you’ll never know the truth.” Typhi was so shocked by this sudden confidence, that he loosened his grip. Just as the recovered Ferus dove on Typhi. Rattus was sent flying, and Typhi and Ferus rolled around on the floor in a death struggle. Finally Typhi stood victor of that fight to the death, but to his annoyed rage Rattus was no longer in sight.

Then a blow sent him flying, and Typhi struggled to his feet to face Vaginalis. He was one of the biggest warriors Typhi had ever seen. Typhi ducked and dove in for hits, but the massive foe seemed unbeatable. At least Typhi managed to dodge any more blows; from the massive hammer like fists. Then Typhi got one blow in a soft spot, and the giant of an opponent went down in his own world of pain. Once immobilised Typhi soon dispatched his foe, and turning realised there were only two other opponents standing. Rattus and Gardnerella. Gardnerella was advancing on Rattus, as he cowered before his massive adversary.

The giant was so intent on his prey, that he didn’t notice Typhi take a running jump, and plant both feet in the gargantuan back. It cracked and folded, as none should. Then at last Typhi was free to dispatch Rattus, but his target was busy climbing up a wall and shouted down. “If you kill me, you’ll just have a bigger opponent to fight in the Jenjuni wastes.” This was no news to Typhi, so he spat back. “I know, for the honour of the empire.” He was enraged at this snivelling wretch. “But” Rattus jeered, “did you know emperor Smegmatis only sends the winner of these games, so he won’t be killed himself.” If you win, why don’t you kill him too. Then you can be the new emperor. And others can fight for you?”

Typhi paused in confusion for a moment. A moment too long, for Rattus having anticipated this confusion in his foe, jumped down with a rock between his hands. He was intent on dispatching Typhi, but Typhi was still too quick and he caught Rattus by the wrist. And Typhi flipped him on his back. Then using the rock intended for his demise, Typhi dispatched his last opponent.

Typhi stood panting, as the lore master approached. He had seen from afar that the battle was finally done, and he had come to receive the victor. “I hail you victor of the Genitalium games. May you henceforth be known as Salmonella Typhi. You may subdivide.”

Soon the stadium was filled with exact copies of the victor. Absorbing all in his way, to fuel his many fold brothers in arms. But instead of marching off to fight the foes, in the Jenjuni wastes. The army turned towards the royal palace. It enveloped it so fast, that it caught the emperor napping, when the force burst in to his inner chamber. Smegmatis had no time to counter a defence. Thus the reign passed swiftly from Smegmatis the third, to Typhi the first.

Doctor Penrith put the petri dish down, and turning to his assistant triumphantly announced. “Salmonella Typhi seems to be a good candidate for countering Viridans Streptococci. Lets do some more tests on that bacteria.”

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